You might think, “This is a gift item. No one really wears a holster to carry Tabasco around.” Then you read Tampa Cracker’s review of the holster, where he describes it as too small to carry enough Tabasco, adding, “As a constant Tabasco user, I do not recommend.”

“Just put it to your lips and suck,” instructs the box of Fullips, later referring to “self suction” in the instructions, because you’ve gotta get some good innuendo going if you want people to ignore the fact you’re selling what amounts to a lid from a can of PAM for twenty bucks.

Ignore this five-foot-long outdoor flag. Please do tread on memes.

The Dad Shirt, by Lalabu, isn’t a low-quality polo with the name of a local business embroidered on the front. It’s this hellish combo of baby-wrap and big-pocket shirt. Like its cousin, the also-stupidly-named Peekaru, it allows your child to poke out of your front like Kuato, but offers none of the warmth, and is somehow also more expensive. It also seems to be almost exactly this “Big Pocket T-Shirt” I wrote about, except, again, quite a bit more expensive.

The Fondoodler is, as the manufacturer admits, a  “Hot Glue Gun – But For Cheese.” Unfortunately, cheese is harder to melt than ethylene vinyl acetate (the main component in hot-melt adhesive sticks) which means, as several customers note, you have to wait for each little bit of cheese to melt after pushing it into the hot tip of the Fondoodler. Still, it’s worth a look to see the photo gallery of gingerbread-style houses made with cheese and crackers, even though they must have taken hours to make.

Peanut-butter toast and a cup of coffee is a pretty classic, cheap breakfast combo. Which means it makes perfect sense to replace that with a thirteen-dollar jar of caffeinated peanut butter. It’s got a skull and bones on it, though, so that means it’s… angry?

At least they didn’t claim, like the manufacturers of Steem Caffeinated Peanut Butter, that “caffeine naturally bonds with peanut butter.” (It does no such thing, chemically speaking, and if it did, then the caffeine wouldn’t work in its intended fashion, having reacted with the other ingredients.)

“Take turns pooping, but don’t clog the toilet,” says the manufacturer of Poop: The Game.

If you’re about to “more like the best thing for sale” me, congratulations: You’re the target demographic.