Let’s go down the smart-product checklist for Ember, The Smart Coffee Mug:

• Heated and insulated coffee mugs already exist
• Controlling a coffee mug with your phone is unnecessary
• Costs 15 times as much as a normal mug
• Reviews say the battery drains quickly and won’t connect to Bluetooth

How does this device give you “facial fitness”? Look at it for just a second, and then go to the listing to see the illustrations of women using it. You won’t be disappointed.

Billy’s Ball Bags makes a variety of stretchy silicone testicles. (They’ve been pixellated here to meet the unfair standards of society, but you can see the uncensored pic on the listing.) What’s most intriguing, though, is Billy’s claim that other ball makers have been trying to sabotage his reputation.

The worst part of BoozeBrella isn’t that it’s yet another container to smuggle liquor into an event (see the Wine Rack, BeerBelly, Sneaky Shorts, etc.) It’s this depressing review where a woman describes how her husband’s obsessive use of BoozeBrella has torn her family apart.

A great idea in theory, and a perfect way to get America interested in sushi, the Sushi Bazooka unfortunately fails in its execution. According to reviews, it breaks easily, is hard to clean, and the rice sticks to the inside. And, personally speaking, it’s a disappointment that you can’t use it to destroy a tank.

If you’re hell-bent on making sushi at home, this set of wooden utensils and bamboo mats would probably do the trick, for under ten bucks. Just make sure you get some decent seaweed to roll them bad boys up. You cheap out there, you’re gonna notice.

It’s still an octothorpe, and it’s also a hashtag. This is how language works, unfortunately, t-shirt.

It’s a sharp symbol in musical notation, mug, and also an octothorpe, and also a hashtag.

You know where I’m going with this by now. Prescriptivism (the insistence that language is static, and changes to it are necessarily incorrect) is a way of expressing that you’d prefer the world to use the English you grew up with, when televisions were squares with rounded, heavy screens, and our telephones were connected to the wall, and cars burned lead. Our complex descriptors inevitably slide towards expressing a binary of good and bad, and the only way to combat this is to keep language evolving.

Put another way, “<<<<< not mood.”

The best thing about What Do You Meme is how clearly it shows that capitalizing on “memes,” as they exist in culture, are like capturing a fart in a jar. By the time you can close the lid, it’s gone. No matter how fast you grab stolen pictures and bits of writing from your computer, anything you commit to cardstock will necessarily be dated, a reminder of years past rather than a celebration of contemporary culture. The seal and his neck fat, the baby clenching his fist, the fffffffuuuu guy, all long gone.

Then again, maybe that face when you find out girls poop.