Walden Farms Hell Sauce

I’m a sucker for diet foods. Even with the knowledge that whole foods taste better, are healthier, and more satisfying, I will buy and taste and sometimes even eat diet foods.

Walden Farms Calorie-Free Peanut Spread is no exception to the rule. This company sells a long line of “calorie-free” products. To abide by FDA guidelines, this means it would (among other things) contain a negligible amount of carbohydrates, fat, protein, or alcohol. What does that leave? Artificial sweeteners, undigestible filler, and artificial flavoring.

If you’re wondering “how can they replicate the texture of peanut butter with cellulose gum and water?” the answer is that they can’t, and that they also used some fucked-up plastic instead of peanut flavoring, and then someone dipped an old yellow cum sock in it. Or they used Old Yellow Cum Sock #5.

I encourage you to read the customer reviews, not for the people saying it tastes horrible, but for the one guy who is really enthusiastic about how much he loves this stuff, and how he loves to eat it a lot. If that guy ever goes to prison, he’s gonna be pacing his cell all day muttering “Goddamn, how can I get some more of this great prison food?”