Powdered peanut butter

This low-fat powdered peanut butter called PB2 isn’t bad if you follow the directions and measure it out and mix it with water or put it in a protein shake or whatever.

But if you’re like me, and you’re sitting on 30 years of digging a spoon into the Jif jar and shoveling it into your stupid face, then you’re fucked. Peanuts which have been pulverized, de-oiled and powdered (as in PB2) might be the driest thing on planet earth. And you don’t know it until you stick a spoonful in your mouth.

Before you can react, all of the liquid on your tongue, cheeks and teeth is swiftly drawn into the delicious hellpowder, and it forms a thick layer on all of these surfaces, impenetrable without filling your mouth full of water again and again, swishing and swallowing again and again to move the astringent dust into your gut.

As you furrow your brow and continue to drink water, trying to restore the moisture in your alimentary tract, you wonder if this is merely punishment for a lifetime of fattitude, or if you once did something horrible that you’ve since blocked out and cannot remember without therapy.