The gold rush of erotic Kindle books is over, but the long tail continues, with titles like “Savaged by Systemd: an Erotic Unix Encounter.” As always, you can read a chunk of the text in the “Look Inside” without buying it.

Using nothing more than water, ground coffee, and the included crack kitchen torch, the Bripe coffee kit allows you to make coffee anywhere. You simply hold the janky pipe apparatus in front of your face like a crack regular pipe, and heat the bowl using your crack kitchen torch. It’s even made of copper, to give you that Chore Boy taste. A treat for all adventurers.

You might think, “This is a gift item. No one really wears a holster to carry Tabasco around.” Then you read Tampa Cracker’s review of the holster, where he describes it as too small to carry enough Tabasco, adding, “As a constant Tabasco user, I do not recommend.”

“Just put it to your lips and suck,” instructs the box of Fullips, later referring to “self suction” in the instructions, because you’ve gotta get some good innuendo going if you want people to ignore the fact you’re selling what amounts to a lid from a can of PAM for twenty bucks.

Ignore this five-foot-long outdoor flag. Please do tread on memes.

The Dad Shirt, by Lalabu, isn’t a low-quality polo with the name of a local business embroidered on the front. It’s this hellish combo of baby-wrap and big-pocket shirt. Like its cousin, the also-stupidly-named Peekaru, it allows your child to poke out of your front like Kuato, but offers none of the warmth, and is somehow also more expensive. It also seems to be almost exactly this “Big Pocket T-Shirt” I wrote about, except, again, quite a bit more expensive.

The Fondoodler is, as the manufacturer admits, a  “Hot Glue Gun – But For Cheese.” Unfortunately, cheese is harder to melt than ethylene vinyl acetate (the main component in hot-melt adhesive sticks) which means, as several customers note, you have to wait for each little bit of cheese to melt after pushing it into the hot tip of the Fondoodler. Still, it’s worth a look to see the photo gallery of gingerbread-style houses made with cheese and crackers, even though they must have taken hours to make.