There are 46,000 calories in this 26-pound gummy python, but, as the manufacturer notes, it’s gluten-free.

If you mean that coming up with a cutesy word for responsibilities is bullshit, then, yes, I agree with you, coffee mug. Of course, it doesn’t mean this. It means that responsibilities are bullshit, and rolling around in your own filth playing video games as an adult is bae and swag. Yassss filth.

I don’t know why you’d want a hook to hang your keys on that features Spiderman grabbing his dick. If there’s an explanation for this, it’s escaped me.

This little silicone wand, called the SIIME, vibrates, which isn’t unusual, since that’s what vibrators usually do. But the SIIME has a camera with built-in LED lights on the end, and records video which you can transfer onto your computer via USB. (Here’s a pic of what the camera end looks like.) As much as people like sexting and porn, I’m not sure a video of your cervix will be a hit.

For some reason, I don’t think this is really meant for wrestling. (The portion I’ve pixellated here is not censored on the manufacturer’s listing, and, no, it’s not safe for work.)

There’s no way for an adult to wear this octopus ski mask in public in any dignified way. Whether or not you have dignity, of course, is a personal decision.

Despite this, this children’s beard-wig-hat is pretty charming.

This is a glass dinosaur meant to be used to serve wine. It would be a lot cooler if it weren’t absurdly expensive. (And no, being “on sale” for $591 off the list price doesn’t make it a deal.)