I’m sure this is supposed to sound bad ass somehow, but, yes, this is why you don’t give a knife to a baby. At least, unlike this onesie, the baby doesn’t have a gun. And once you see the “My dad will kill your children” design, both of those will seem tame.

The Segway salesman walks casually up to a group of kids on hoverboards and holds out the Segway Mini Pro. “Hey, you cool guys want to try out the next dope thing?” Getting no response, he continues. “It’s like the hoverboard, but it’s eight hundred bucks, and it’s… You use your phone to control it…” He tries to pull his phone out of his belt-holster, fumbles, and drops both the Segway and his phone as the teens laugh. “It’s fire,” he says, picking everything up. “Straight fire.”

This box of 12 tubes of penis-shaped lipstick (check out the customer pictures if you can’t imagine with your mind what a penis-shaped lipstick would look like) is a little over a buck a tube. That’s pretty cheap, if you don’t mind the obvious downside to penis lipstick.

Your baby, born in 2015 or 2016, will definitely understand and appreciate this $150 Super Mario wall lamp. There’s a picture of it lit up, in case that coaxes the money out of your e-wallet. More importantly, it’s “frequently sold with” a bevy of Super Mario wall decorations, like this and this, because what’s having a kid without making them live in the pixellated Nintendo hell-world of your own childhood?

Companies love to make weird caffeine supplements, because caffeine is generally safe, and the profit margins are insane. Aero Shot (above) is a delivery device for powdered caffeine, apparently targeting the demographic of caffeine users who don’t like coffee, tea, sodas, pills, energy drinks, energy shots, caffeinated gum, Perky Jerky, or any of the other existing caffeine-delivery devices.

Regardless, if you’re judging caffeine products based on their names, it’s hard to beat Turbo Snort.

Believe it or not, Trekkies, there are some people out there in the world who have had sex, so I’m not sure it’s best described this way.

The main issue with the Oregon Trail Card Game is that Oregon Trail wasn’t really a fun game. It was “fun” to play as a kid because you got to use the computer in your elementary school classroom for something other than LOGO or typing. Which is not to say the price of it isn’t insane, even if you’re the kind of person who would cosplay an Oregon Trail character.