Combining two things I’ve written about previously, the Dude Dash Button delivers Dude Wipes (moistened butt-wipes FOR MEN ONLY) when you push it.

(Thanks to @edzitron for the tip.)

Jelqing is the technique of squeezing blood into your penis to temporarily, and, as the practitioners hope, permanently enlarge it over time. (It doesn’t, by the way, and can cause circulatory and nerve problems to your organ, making it numb or harder to achieve erections.) Still, millions of men across the planet have a pathological desire to enlarge their penis, meaning we end up with tools like The Penilizer.

For those who don’t want to drop the dough, there is a cheaper and commonly-used kitchen-tool alternative that seems to do the very same thing. Keep it in a drawer with your spatulas and no one but you and your permanently-damaged dick will be the wiser.

If you need to exfoliate your feet, Baby Foot is a fairly popular way to do it. Unfortunately, this is what that looks like:

This is a “ground meat chopper”, for those who are unable to do it with a normal spatula, and want something in their drawer that doesn’t also function as a regular ($1.49) spatula.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s important that medical professionals be able to study and practice all of the procedures of childbirth before they have to perform them for real. It’s just that you and I both know what people are going to use this thing for.

Watch a box fan for 3 hours with this $1.99 online video rental. (You can, of course, choose to purchase it for $4.99.)

Customers who watched “box fan” also watched oscillating fan and ceiling fan. Of course.

Sure thing, buddy.