The protagonist of this erotic novel finds himself oppressed in the butt by “Starbutts Christmas Blend,” his favorite seasonal coffee.

“On the pillow we purchased the Boobs are touching,” writes a reviewer of this titty-pillow, for whom titty-geometry seems a matter of importance. Were he an astute shopper, he would have bought this combo of penis-pillow, titty-pillow, penis-slippers, and titty-slippers for half the price. But for my money, the plush stuffed uterus is the best bang for your buck. Maybe it’s cause it has a face, or maybe it’s because it has a matching sperm cell.

If you haven’t been keeping up with Matt Farley, The Music Spammer, he’s continued to release dozens of albums since the last time I wrote about him. Most of them are unremarkable, like “Mature Love Songs”, recorded under the name The Toilet Bowl Cleaners, but the one that stands out to me is Animal Poop Songs. It’s filled with material that can only be classified as music in the technical sense, with song titles like “Yorkie Dog Go Poop Poop Stinky” and “Lizard Poop Poop Poop Poop.” Feel free to listen to the streaming samples, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I saw these on Aggro-Gator and, unfortunately (fortunately?) they don’t seem to exist in real life. Sadly, the “limited edition” Cotton Candy Oreos are all too real.

“Wake The Fuck Up!!!” is the name of this one-pound bag of pre-ground, stale-ass coffee. Does it have more caffeine than regular coffee? I don’t know, but it tastes like a combination of Folgers and topsoil. WTFU is apparently intended as a competitor to Death Wish Coffee, a high-caffeine blend that actually tastes all right, but for my money, I’d rather have two pounds of regular whole-bean coffee from Kicking Horse (or a local roaster.)

“My Two Holes” would be your standard-issue fleshy spectacle. Except for the hands with the long claw-like nails, angrily pulling it apart as if to destroy it. And the picture of the thing with a bunch of jizz on it.

Whip-Its, the small canisters of nitrous oxide meant to be inhaled for a short-lived euphoric high, are now available in pink, to support breast cancer.

(I should probably mention that they’re actually supposed to be used to make whipped cream, but I don’t think anyone has ever actually done this – and besides, who makes enough whipped cream to need 300 canisters of huff-gas?)