If you think tacos, ninjas, zombies, lasers, cheese, kittens, “and sometimes goats” are automatically funny, then this card game is probably right up your alley. I’ll leave it at that.  

You can put a hat on a ferret. Ain’t against the law. Sure.

You can put a leash on a guinea pig. Ain’t no one gonna have fun, but, go for it.

The one thing you can’t do is put a leash on a ferret and take it outside. Soon as you cross that threshold, you just got a damn weasel on a rope.

This toddlers’ shirt is only available in sizes 2T through 4T, but you can always order big and wait for your kid to grow into it. If he’s a weed-smoking Irishchild, that is.

Should your child live a sober non-Irish life, but is instead married to a Mexican man, you can purchase him (or her) this “I (heart) My Mexican Husband” t-shirt for toddlers.

If you want people to know that you’re primarily composed of macaroni & cheese, living in America would do the trick. So this shirt probably overstates the obvious. But if you want to make absolutely sure you communicate your carby-fat lifestyle to everyone else, a roll of mac’n'cheese-print duct tape would do the trick.

Finally, womens got some underwear that got a damn poop hole in them, so they can poop right out of it, no problem.

In the forest and need to drop a damn poop? I got you covered, ladies. Camo poophole underwear.

As sure as the Earth traces a helix ’round the Sun as our galaxy spirals out in the expansion of the universe, so does the icy hand of death await us all. A billion years of natural selection, branches of the evolutionary tree dividing and sub-dividing to eventually produce a dead dog on a kitchen counter. Children run from house to house as dusk falls, and life continues without the dachsund. A pancreas succumbs to a lifestyle of force-fed sugar. Two lives forever ripped asunder, their paths never again to cross, from a candy trade gone wrong. Such is Halloween, and life.