In case the Nicolas Cage Pillowcases weren’t enough to send you to nightmare-land, this all-over t-shirt print of the same man’s wide-eyed glare should do it.

Well, shit, I guess I want to touch Clean Remote, and also I’m starting to think that I want to keep my jacking-off MRSA piss-and-shit pigs from touching my regular remote.

Unfortunately, you can’t stream this DVD online, but do yourself a favor and check out the screencaps of the grey-haired protagonist caning the shit out of the bald guy.

It’s also important to note that “frequently bought with” this DVD is this item.

For just $250, you can hire a goat to come and graze on your lawn. 

Yes, seriously.

I’d sooner get crammed into a pine box and be buried beneath the earth’s surface than attempt to live my life inside of a “tiny house.” But I try not to make a big deal about it, lest it become a movement, with Subterranean Casket-House enthusiasts bragging to each other about their pillow-lined deathtubs.

(That last link is a beautiful cherry-stained casket with eggshell interior, BTW, if you want to be one of the first to live the Subterranean Casket-House lifestyle.)

How are I going to use the 12.5-inch Fantasy Master FM-400S Display Knife?! Dumb question, my friend. The question you should really be asking is, “do I want to find out how the 12.5-inch Fantasy Master FM-400S Display Knife is used for self-defense when its owner is threatened???”

A beer bottle is a disposable (and recyclable) object, so it makes sense that you’d want to bolt a tiny beer-stein lid to it. After all, it takes so long to consume a single bottle of beer that it’s weird nobody’s invented a cover for it. Who knows when a meteor could fly through the earth’s atmosphere, sending tiny shards of space-mineral into the narrow opening of your Piney Dan’s Hop-Roasted IPA Smoked Fucker Stout?