There is nothing dignified about The Man Sack, a kinda-testicle-shaped fanny pack, but there are fifty states in America, and none of them are called Dignity. That’s probably why a “frequently bought with The Man Sack” item is Tea Bagging, a reusable tea-bag shaped like a scrotum.

You won’t be able to fully grasp the insanity of the Ascension Healing Pyramid unless you read the description, which suggests specific orbs and symbols to be used with it to maximize your healing.

If you’re looking for something smaller, to heal, say, exactly two apples, then you’d probably want the nine-inch pyramid. Check out the pictures of this one to read up on the schizo-math that goes into healing exactly two apples inside a copper pyramid.

I’m not sure what they mean by merkin in “Chicken With Merkin” here, but I’m guessing it’s not (!!NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!) the same merkin I think of when I read the word merkin.

This is literally a ten-pound bag of dirt. It costs over $50. The seller claims it could have “natural gold” in it. You just have to pan it out yourself. The packaging and labeling looks legit, so how could you go wrong?

Yeah, you can get hella official with this High Mass Set, but it’s gonna cost you. Like, a lot more than you think it’s gonna be. Hallelujah.

Let’s sidestep the politics of gun control for the time being and look at this piece of trash. It’s called “LifePlate”, and it’s a bulletproof plate your child carries in their backpack, to be used as a shield in case of a school shooting. It’s despicable to prey on the fear of parents by selling them an extraordinarily expensive piece of plastic.

But, what’s worse, to me, is making your child look at this thing all day in school, and explaining to them, “Oh, LifePlate? That’s for if someone bursts in the school and just fucking starts murdering everyone. Don’t worry, though, it probably won’t happen, but the chances are good enough that I thought I’d bulletproof you. I didn’t want to plunk down for the BulletBlocker child’s backpack, so make sure you get your brain and all your good organs behind that LifePlate when the time comes.”

If you wear these insanely expensive USB cufflinks to a formal occasion where you’d be expected to wear cufflinks, what do you expect to do with them when you’re there?

If you wear them to a place where you wouldn’t be expected to wear cufflinks in the first place, you’re a huge dork.

There is no joy in USB cufflinks.