The “SpreadTHAT! Butter Knife” is an almost-$20 butter knife that “uses your body heat to warm the knife edge.” Never mind that a regular butter knife, also made out of metal, does this same thing. And never mind that, according to reviews, it only really works if you heat it under hot water from the tap.

You might think this glass is a good idea. Until you go to use it, and you’re forced to choose between liquor dripping off your hand as you drink beer, or beer dripping down your arm as you try to drink liquor out of a wet, upside-down pint glass.

This reusable twist-tie is a good idea. It’s just hard to beat the price of the free one I got from the grocery, which I found next to the 500 other free ones at the grocery.

This treadmill might work underwater, but…

You’re not underwater.

Treadmill lady, you’re not underwater.

TREADMILL LADY WHAT ARE YOU DOING

If you’re one of the six women on earth who want someone to mess with your swollen, stretch-marked belly, painting it and taking pictures of it, then this is still not the thing for you. It’s eight little jars of face paint plus a sponge, for twenty dollars. It is, unsurprisingly, by the makers of “Pregnancy Belly Cast Kit,” a way to turn your motherhood into a bizarre plaster death-mask. (Look at the customer pictures, if you dare.)

If you’re tired of only paying fifty or a hundred bucks for a keyboard, check out The Datamancer, a steampunk keyboard that’ll run you four figures.

“This is my Selfie shirt,” reads this babies’ onesie, backwards. Apparently, the manufacturers don’t know the difference between a camera and a mirror, so they printed it backwards. “But what if they have an old phone, without a front-facing camera, and they take selfies in the mirror?” you shout at the computer. Well, then, I’ve got a men’s shirt that combines the “Keep Calm” logo with selfies in a way that suggests the manufacturer knows what neither of them are. And a wooden beaded necklace that says “#SELFIE”, because the # lets you know it’s online, which selfies are, because I completely know what they are, and that’s why I’ve got this #SELFIE necklace.