“Haha, yeah, it’s a wooden tie, it’s made of wood,” you say to a curious passerby. “Hey, have you heard of a little thing called BitCoin? It’s like money, but money is fake, and Bitcoin is actually a more real form of money. Bitcoin is purely electronic, and— Where are you…?” You trail off, as your passerby begins to jog, already fifteen feet away from your weird ass. Dismayed but not defeated, you head back to your car, to change into your battery-powered neon tie before night falls.  

Manga, the Japanese comic books where drawings of children having sex with adults is accepted as part of the art-form (Japan just outlawed child pornography this year, in case you think that’s a joke) are apparently a great way to teach Linear Algebra. There’s also “The Manga Guide To Relativity,” in case you’re planning on accelerating an object to nearly the speed of light and need to know how its mass changes, but can’t read or understand any information unless it’s accompanied by a drawing of a screaming, big-eyed child.  

Have you ever wanted to “test the fidelity” of your loved one by scraping their underwear for semen? Then “CheckMate Infidelity Tests” are the thing you’ve been looking for. Unfortunately, according to the reviews, they don’t actually work. So if you’re rooting through someone else’s dirty garments, make sure you do it because you love semen and butt-smell, not because you want to give them a “fidelity test.”

“Love Is Art” is a $50 kit consisting of a piece of fabric and a bottle of paint. You put the paint on you and your partner’s body, fuck on the canvas, let it dry, and then hang it up. Then, probably, if you’re the kind of person who thinks this is cool, whenever someone asks, you smile creepily and say “That print was made by making love.”

Or, if you’re not a weirdo, you try it out of being a good sport and find that the paint dries fast and doesn’t come off your body, leaving you scrubbing your body and screaming in the shower (2 stars out of 5.)

The iStun is a “stun gun” with a sticker on the front to make it look kind of like an iPhone. Unlike a tazer, a stun gun’s blunt probes won’t work through clothing or let you be anywhere except next to your assailant, physically touching his skin with your fake iPhone. But maybe it makes you feel better, just by having it in your pocket, even if you don’t use it. So maybe it’s a lot like an iPhone after all.

Following in the footsteps of “Bigfoot Made Me Gay”, sort of, is “Naked in the Forest,” which is a tale of Bigfoot molesting the author at a young age, and her subsequent return to the forest to repeat the experience.

A third author, seizing the opportunity to jump into the Bigfoot-fuckin’ genre, has written “Bigfoot Depravity,” a tale of Bigfoot slipping the squatch to a captive, tied-down woman, for the entertainment of an audience of rich men.

This $3,500 hot tub is a plastic bowl with a metal tube sticking out of the side that functions as a heat exchanger.

The good news is that it’s safe for children, if you consider an open flame three feet away from a child to be safe.