Protein contains 4 calories per gram. “Pure Protein” protein bars have 200 calories each, and 20g of protein each. So only 40% of the calories actually come from protein. I’d hate to try their “Non-Poisonous Bars”, which would only be 40% non-poisonous.

The “Blomus Bebop” is a $375 log basket you use to hold a small number of logs next to your fireplace. Logs, as in the large cut-up sticks that you leave on the ground, before you set them on fire.

“Rampaging Fuckers Of Everything On The Crazy Shitting Planet Of The Vomit Atmosphere!” reminds me of what my middle-school friends and I used to write in the computer lab in school. We couldn’t say “fucker” or “shitting,” but in either a lack of supervision, an open-minded computer teacher, or a combination of both, it was possible to key in and print stories of people hoarding feces for an annual gathering called “Turd Fight.” We’d workshop each others’ stories, too, to maximize impact, and create dramatic tension in a four-page dot-matrix tract about a secret group who kept frogs in their asses, poking nightcrawlers into their starfish to keep the animals alive.

This book is kind of like that, but less readable, and without a child’s naughty excitement of typing “The assfrogs breathed farts to stay alive” at 9:45 in the morning on an educational computer.

The Poweriser Jumping Stilts let you fly several feet up into the air, springboarding across hard concrete surfaces as if you had some sort of kinetic-energy-storing devices attached to your legs. Which is great, and fun, until eight minutes in, when you fall at slightly the wrong angle and snap your fibula. Don’t believe me? Check out the review where the purchaser describes these as leaving his teen looking “like he had jumped through a wood chipper.” Then he gave the product five stars anyway. Apparently, hurting a child is just what this man wanted.

This is slightly erotic, Wallmonkeys Wall Decals, but this is for my erotic living room and I know you got something better than “Man Kissing His Blindfolded Wife.”

Yeah, get some butt in the picture!

There we go. Full nudity. I knew you could do it, giant wall-decal company. (Unblurred images available on the actual product listings, but I can’t show them here, since you’re probably reading this at work or school.)

Polaroid, for some reason, is still making cameras. They spit out 2×3″ digital prints of the digital photos it takes, and they cost $179.99, and you have to buy special paper for it, which is also expensive. Someone out there must be buying them, or they would have stopped by now.