With the Scatola del Tempo armored watch-winding cabinet, you’ll never need a watch butler to wind your watches ever again! It holds 32 watches and is only $76,600.00. Plus shipping.

Any pen will shoot a rubber band. You stretch a rubber band over the end of it, pull it back, and let it go. But feel free to buy a special pen to shoot rubber bands if you can’t understand this extremely basic application of “bored in English class” physics.

In case your driving itself wasn’t enough of a danger, or your car a spoiler-laden, muffler-farting hellride, now you can attach spinning LEDs to your wheels to complete your lifelong quest of being a bad driver. 

The Mattel “Ucreate” is a $50 box that lets kids combine pre-recorded samples to “express themselves through creating their own songs.” Apart from the fact that kids have been learning to play regular musical instruments for thousands of years (which actually allow them to learn technique and music theory), the manufacturer has dropped their online support for the product, so it can no longer connect to a computer.

One of the comments, a five-star review which is definitely not fake, reads “Everyone knows that music is all the rage with kids!” Ah, yes, those kids with the bippy-bop and the puddin pops. They jimmy-jam but it’s not even music, it sounds like a burglar banging trash cans together. The kids love it though.

“Casting” is the fetish of being in a cast or having sex with someone else in a cast. “Nadia is Home Alone” is the tale of a woman who goes horseback riding, breaks all her shit, and then someone fucks her while she’s casted all to hell.

The same author wrote “Taking Care Of Derek”, where the fetish apparently also involves running a wheelchair-bound cast boyfriend into the wall, in his wheelchair. Boom! How you like that, Derek? You erotically like that? I thought so, because it’s your fetish, Derek.

Finally, a shoe rack that requires me to balance my shoes on a narrow metal ledge, and scuffs the tips of them. It’s what I always wanted.

Hey! Kid! Psst! Over here! Yeah, the dancing guy! Come closer!

You ever heard of drugs? You want some drugs?