“The Ironwood Collection Of Alpha Moves” is an ebook that promises to teach a married man how to use pickup-artist manipulation to improve his relationship with his wife. I strongly recommend you hit the “Look Inside” link to take a peek into this man’s attempt to cajole his wife into intercourse, but if you can’t stomach reading something that begins with a picture of a fedora, you should at least know that he refers to sex as “nookie.”

You should also know that to “make her panties wet”, you should text your wife, “I want Golden Corral tonight. I’ll meet you there at 7:30. Order me a Coke if you get there first.” A man’s man, you see, always gets a Coke. It is the most alpha of sodas, m’lady.

I think they had to label this candy bar “Slice’N'Share” for legal reasons, but we all know that nobody is going to slice this one-pound Snickers, or share it. If anyone does, it’ll be the guy at the bong store who buys a bong and loads it up with tobacco when he gets home.

At least it’s not a gigantic box of Nerds (weighing one and a half pounds, and containing 2,720 calories of almost pure sugar.)

The iGrow, a light-helmet with attached headphones, claims to make your hair grow back. As you might imagine, LED light has not been proven to reverse or prevent baldness. The iGrow retails for several hundred dollars.

Mescaline is one of the oldest known hallucinogens, and is found in peyote as well as San Pedro cacti (shown here.) Intrepid psychonauts can buy the cactus legally as “ornamental plants” and chug a blender full of cactus pulp, which may be less sacred than a desert ritual at dawn, but seems to work nonetheless.

Users of “technically legal” hallucinogens usually tiptoe around the methods and usage of their recreational compounds, like the “elves and gnomes” referenced in the customer reviews of root bark used to make DMT. The nudge-and-wink reviews continue with Heavenly Blue Morning Glory, a plant whose seeds contain lysergic acid amide, a relative of LSD. But that was not the case with C. Hall, the author of this cactus review, where he straight-up admitted to extracting the active ingredient and “tripping balls.”

It may be brazen, but at least it’s not bath salts.

In case you can’t handle the logistics of wrapping meat and vegetables in a foil pouch and sticking it on top of your gross car engine, the authors of Manifold Destiny have outlined the procedures for you. And in case you don’t want to use the “Look Inside” link, here’s a summary: Wrap any kind of food in foil, set it on your engine manifold, then drive for an hour and pray that your raw chicken doesn’t slide off into your serpentine belt or timing chain.

Then again, who needs power steering, or, uh… (googles parts of a car) pistons… crankshaft?

An inflatable bondage chair is probably not a convincing way to roleplay that you’re unable to move. “Help,” you’ll moan unconvincingly, “I’ve been velcroed to a piece of dorm furniture.” There’s also the downside that anyone who sees it will assume you’re a balloon fetishist, like Tim Popper, the suspiciously balloon-fetish-named author of “Blowing It”, a 132-page work of balloon-fetish fiction.

For those that weren’t satisfied with the gun knife I found awhile back, here’s a bullet knife, which looks like a bullet, but is really a knife. If you don’t think this is amazing, please read the review that describes it as “Awsome.”