Don’t close your browser tab! It’s not real poop! It’s soap! Soap that’s been meticulously crafted to look like a corn turd. In a dark factory somewhere across the planet, an elderly woman shaves brown and yellow scraps of soap from a large block, forming soap turds in her hands one by one, wondering who would buy a poop soap.

Customer reviews of “Incredible Zoom Binocular Sunglasses” range from “everything is blurry” to “broke the first time I put them on.” If you’re going to buy glasses from a television commercial, I recommend you at least go with Bed Prism Spectacles, so you can watch TV while you’re laying in bed.   

This lamp “purifies” the air by supposedly releasing negative ions. It’s made of “Himalayan salt”, which is actually mined over 150 miles away from the Himalayan mountains, in Pakistan.

Turning on a fifteen-watt light bulb inside a chunk of salt will not release negative ions from the salt. The chunk of salt is composed mostly of sodium (positive) and chloride (negative) ions. If you wanted to pull the negative chloride ions off and release them, you’d need to heat the lump of salt to around 800 degrees Celsius to melt it, and then run an electric current through the molten salt, which would release chlorine gas. This process would also leave you with molten sodium metal, which reacts violently to both air and water.

This lamp does not release toxic chlorine gas. Nor does it release molten, flaming elemental sodium. Which may be why it’s received mostly positive reviews despite the lack of actual negative ions.

It’s impossible for me to say anything about this book that it doesn’t say itself. You can hit the “Look Inside” button on the listing, if you want to read more of this, whatever it is.

Ass Goblins of Auschwitz is by the author of Abortion Arcade.

The Telekinetic Enhancer allows you to develop telekinesis (the ability to physically move objects using your mind.) The manufacturer even includes instructions, which is helpful, because it’s probably pretty hard to figure out how to use magic energy on your own.

“Shine” rolling papers are thin sheets of real gold you can use to smoke weed, if you have $60.

The “Infinity Hammock” is a steel frame with 3 hammocks hanging off it. I’m not sure what’s “infinity” about it. Contemplate it while you lay in one of the three connected hammocks, I suppose.