The Worst Things For Sale

This is a $24 t-shirt with electronics sewn into it, so you can “play the guitar” by pressing buttons on your shirt. The manufacturer has even added flames surrounding the guitar, so you can wear a flame shirt AND play shirt guitar.

It would be fun for kids, if it came in childrens’ sizes. Which it does not. Nope, this is for adults. Cool adults.

Dog 3:16: For God so loved his dog, that He gave him dog peanut butter, for dogs, that was more expensive than normal peanut butter, even though normal peanut butter is OK for a dog, because a dog eats garbage and turds. Amen.

It’s 2019, which means “Naruto 2009” is ten years old.  It’s a rap album about the anime Naruto. It’s not just a retelling of the story, though. It’s a concept album where Eddie Rath is inside the world of Naruto and describes himself sword-fighting and fucking the different characters.

Audio samples are available on the product page, and even if you don’t know anything about anime, you probably want to listen to this.

The Norpro 370 Bread Slicer is a way to slice bread into uniform slices. Until the industrial revolution gives bread factories the technology to slice our bread for us, this is the best we’ve got.

Maybe you’re reading this and saying “But I make my own bread!” or “But I want to cut bread with this!” Then you’ll still be interested that this plastic piece of shit has over 400 reviews, who all seem to agree that they wish they could adjust the thickness of the slices, or wish that it wasn’t flimsy, or that the crumb catcher worked. Or that we’re marooned on this idiot-ass rock with 7 billion other lumps and our two choices are either that someone intentionally made us all to be miserable, or that we came about as an emergent property of the laws of physics and will simply cease to exist at death. I just wanted to cut my bread.

I just wanted to cut my bread.

Why.

Reiki is the ancient Japanese art of healing through touch. “Essential Reiki” is the “Complete Guide” to it. As you might imagine, multiple medical studies throughout the years have found it to be ineffective in the treatment or prevention of any medical condition.

The practice itself, though dangerous to your wallet, is pretty inoffensive. The practitioner holds their hands on various parts of your body, and pretends that magic healing rays are coming out of them, and then you pretend to be healed. The only problem I see with this is that one of the main “focus areas” is the perineum, but as far as that goes, if you’ve never had an old hippie lady get down under your balls and feel around, you haven’t truly lived life.

“Hey, I smell bacon… did you have bacon for breakfast?” your boss asks, leaning into your cubicle.

“I suppose you could say that,” you reply, winking.

As your boss turns to leave, you continue. “Haha, no, I was jacking off with Bacon Lube.”

Everyone likes the edge brownies. The caramelized crispness of the edges are a nice contrast to the soft, fudgy interior of the brownie. “But what,” your brain asks itself, in a quest for more serotonin, “what if every brownie was an edge brownie?”

Sure, you could buy this special pan for $35.99. Or you could just pour your brownie batter into muffin tins, which you already have, giving you more brownie-edge per unit of batter. (Muffin tins have a perimeter-to-area ratio of 1.6. This pan has a perimeter-to-area ratio of 0.55.)

Did I just change your brownie-baking life? Yes? Good, then we’re both ashamed, me for the brownie math, you for eating so many fucking brownies.