The Worst Things For Sale

They laughed at me for wearing cargo pants, until they needed somewhere to put their lobsterphone. Now who’s laughing. Checkmate.

(I was unable to find this for sale anywhere, BTW, but you can’t say I didn’t try.)

Do you know why I pulled you over? Because I’m a dog and you made me wear a police costume.

This is a hollowed-out nickel which holds a microSD card. It’s a really covert and easy way to accidentally put 128GB of sensitive data into a parking meter.

There’s nothing wrong with masturbation. But this book tells you to jack off while you read it, to specific situations like a teacher being proud of you, or doing well at work. And you can’t just crank it a little and turn the page. You have to finish the job. To every single page of the book. Read the “Click To Look Inside!” to see what I’m talking about.

(By the way, this is not the first product I’ve written about where I’m 99% sure the creator thought of the title first.)

As a parent, I’m always looking for ways to send my child rolling down a steep hill, into a lake, onto a busy road, or even over a cliff. That’s why I like the Little Tikes Bumper Wheel.

These knives fit inside each other, which looks neat, but they cost $741.00 for a set of four. Also, the blades are hollow, and the handles are squared-off and awkward.

But it has a bunch of funny reviews, so not all is lost here.

The EZYolk is a $9.99 rubber gadget that you squeeze over an egg to suck the yolk up into the green bulb. Then you squeeze it out into a separate bowl.

This would be a great idea if you couldn’t separate eggs by cracking an egg into your hand and draining the whites through your fingers, or by cracking an egg and pouring the yolk back and forth between the two halves of the egg.

Don’t cry for EZYolk, though, since humanity could be defined as the only species on earth to pay money for things it could get for free, with less dishwashing.