The Worst Things For Sale

If you love Bejeweled, you’ll hate the board game.

The manufacturer’s photo is above. These girls can hardly believe they have to pretend they like playing Bejeweled: The Board Game.

This poor girl is trying so hard to be happy about Bejeweled: The Board Game, but her eyes betray her. She’s smiling, but her eyes are sad. Because she has to move the gems around herself and keep score with chips, and because she paid over sixty bucks for a free cellphone game. 

Prostate cancer is serious. So is benign prostate hyperplasia, and a bunch of other prostate-related afflictions. I couldn’t find this exact model online, but I was surprised to find that there are multiple manufacturers of prostate simulators, this one being the most graphic, and most expensive, at $900.

Doctors treating diseases to make our lives better and longer isn’t why this item is here, though. It’s here because somewhere, someone has ordered a $900 prostate simulator just so they could fuck it. That’s what we do. We’re born, we go through school, we work, we save our money, and some of us, as a species, buy expensive medical tools and fuck them.

The fashion designer leapt onto the conference table, brandishing a plastic butter knife. “CAW!” he shouted, the plastic wings on his back rustling. “Caw, caw! FashionWings(TM) are trademarked! TRADEMARKED! CAW! So nobody BETTER not EVER take my brand name! CAW, CAW!”

With that, he threw a chair through the seventeenth-story window, and leapt out.

A candle that burns for 144 hours, the wick end rotating as it pulls the coiled candle up from below, seems like a neat idea. Except:

1. Unattended flames (primarily candles) cause over 1/3 of the house fires in the USA annually.

2. According to one of the two reviews, the wax drips down onto the coil as soon as the candle burns a little bit, ruining the whole thing immediately.

I thought that mixing drinks with semen would be a niche market at best, but this book is the #21-best-selling title in the Bartending category. Don’t read the reviews unless you like people trying really hard to be funny, though.

Vegan Smythe is a vegan singer/songwriter. It’s common for musicians, artists, and literati to renounce eating meat for social, environmental, or health reasons. But Vegan Smythe only has one thing on his mind, and it’s the word “vegan.”

The lyrics to his song “Groovy Vegan Song” go “Vegan vegan vegan vegan vegan vegan vegan vegan vegan.” Nine times in a row. Listen to it, unless you don’t like bad things, in which case you’re not really in the right place to begin with.

The “Neck Genie” has mixed reviews (read the 21 one-star reviews for a portrait of its failures) but my favorite part, out of everything, is the picture of it above. That before and after has nothing to do with the springy thing, guys! You can achieve the same effect by moving your head forward and backward. Here, check this out.