The Worst Things For Sale

The manufacturer of this CD from 1994 claims that listening to it can help your ADD, dyslexia, or other learning disorders. Unless it’s made of Adderall, I doubt that’s true.

If it’s made of Adderall, please tell me, by the way… no reason.

These macadamia nuts are flavored like Spam. Both macadamia nuts and Spam are local delicacies in Hawaii. The customer reviews are all great, though. Maybe it’s me who’s missing out on this horrifying delicacy.

If you loved the Beer Buckle, you’ll love The Wine Lanyard. Strap your wine around your neck like a real ‘Merican! The black nylon will match your fanny pack.

An epilator is an electric device which rips the hair out of your leg. That’s not an exaggeration. It grabs the hair, with a spring, or a drum full of rotating tweezers, and rips the entire hair out of your leg.

Any epilator is unnecessarily painful and gruesome compared to shaving or waxing your legs, but I picked the one above because it’s the same model that epilated a patch on my leg. I don’t test every product I write about here, but I tested this epilator enough to say that it hurts exactly as much as you’d think to have hundreds of your leg hairs ripped out one after the other.

It was bad enough to do this on my shin, so I was horrified to read that several customers reportedly run this hell-plucker over their armpit, and one used it to rip out her pubes. I can’t imagine.

The Handy Gourmet FatMagnet claims to “magically” remove the fat from any liquid food if you use it to skim the surface of your soup or stew. As you might expect from a $8 gadget that claims to do something magic, it doesn’t work.

The manufacturer of “VULVA Original” describes their product as “the intimate female scent as smelling pleasure” and “real odorous substance.” I won’t deny you the pleasure of reading the other horrible, creepy ways they describe this artificial-genital liquid, so read the rest here.

This two-dollar bill costs $9.98. In fact, there are a ton of two-dollar bills being sold online for inflated prices.

Most banks will give you a two-dollar bill for exactly two dollars, if you want one. If you want a whole bunch, they can usually get you as many as you want with some advance notice. They’re cool as long as you don’t become that smug guy who pushes them on idiot teens in big-box stores and then sneers “IT’S LEGAL TENDER. BET YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT VINYL RECORDS ARE EITHER.”