The Worst Things For Sale

This plastic model is the size of one pound of human fat. It’s supposed to help you visualize what eating 3500 extra calories looks like on your body. I don’t have any problem with this. I’m just linking it to you for the review by the customer who weighed the replica and was mad that it only weighed 14 ounces instead of sixteen. 

“I have a clean!” Thanks once again, capitalism, for reminding us that one of the greatest Americans in history can be reduced to a joke for a few thousand bucks. We laugh and destroy the few people willing to put their lives at stake to ensure a better future for the next generation. One day the sun will swallow the Earth, and the rest of the universe will breathe a sigh of relief.

Hangovers, the collective name for the symptoms you experience after a period of heavy drinking, are thought to be caused by a number of factors. The main one, though, is dehydration. You can mitigate your hangovers by drinking a ton of water before and while and after you drink, but most people don’t do this, because it makes you have to piss constantly, or you forget because you’ve been drinking, or you maybe fall asleep on the couch. Just like any other mild, nonfatal irritation, quacks are everywhere and they want to sell you hangover remedies.

Take Bytox Hangover Prevention Patch, for example. The manufacturer instructs you to “stay hydrated” during use. Which is, of course, the main thing that remediates hangover symptoms to begin with.

Next, look at Hangunder: Undo Your Hangover. The instructions are to mix the powder with twelve ounces of water.

I’m sure you get the picture, but the instructions for PreToxx For Hangovers are to take two pills with a full glass of water. Drinkwel: The Multivitamin For People Who Drink instructs you to take three pills with a glass of water when you drink.  Hangover Guardian says to take one or two pills and “drink plenty of water.” Blowfish For Hangovers instructs you to dissolve two tablets in 16 ounces of water.

Just like homeopathy, hangover remedies attempt to sell you a placebo… but unlike homeopathy, they don’t even give you the water to go with it.

“Men On Strike” claims that American society is anti-male. The “man-child” phenomenon, the author claims, is due to the fact that being a male in the 21st century is a handicap. It has to do with the fact that “the system is stacked against them”, supposedly.

One of her main points is that men have no say in women using birth control. Of course, that’s actually a feature of birth control, that the woman gets to control her birth without asking a man if she’s allowed to control her birth.

If you have a half-hour to kill in the pursuit of getting mad at Men’s Rights Advocacy (or you just like to read some weird justifications for trying to reverse women’s suffrage and abortion rights) then, as always, feel free to hit the “look inside” button and get yourself mad.

The Go Pong Can Grip allows you to turn any standard twelve-ounce can into a mug. “This is a great product to have any time you’re drinking,” reads one of the reviews. Because up until you saw this, you were unable to drink out of a regular can with a hole in the top?

It is the #1 “Can Cooler” product for sale right now, by the way. The #2 product? A plastic handle that lets you turn a bottle into a mug.

The results of a polygraph machine, known as a “lie detector”, has been repeatedly proven to be inaccurate at best, and wildly misleading in most cases. Official court opinions (including those of the Supreme Court) have been issued stating that polygraph results cannot be used as evidence due to their inaccuracy.

Of course, the manufacturers of Real Lie Detector: USB Polygraph have chosen to ignore this, going instead with the pitch “Easy to use. Hook up your friends and get the truth.”

What’s better than drinking hot coffee and driving? Brewing hot coffee while you’re driving, with the Roadpro 12-Volt Coffee Maker.

“But I’m still hungry!” you cry, shooting down the interstate at 78 miles an hour, while you try to dump coffee grounds into the precariously-balancing Roadpro Coffee Maker. Then I offer to you the Roadpro 1.5 Quart Slow Cooker. One jerk of the wheel and you’re not only covered in scalding coffee, but in piping-hot chili, soup, or stew.