The Worst Things For Sale

It’s still an octothorpe, and it’s also a hashtag. This is how language works, unfortunately, t-shirt.

It’s a sharp symbol in musical notation, mug, and also an octothorpe, and also a hashtag.

You know where I’m going with this by now. Prescriptivism (the insistence that language is static, and changes to it are necessarily incorrect) is a way of expressing that you’d prefer the world to use the English you grew up with, when televisions were squares with rounded, heavy screens, and our telephones were connected to the wall, and cars burned lead. Our complex descriptors inevitably slide towards expressing a binary of good and bad, and the only way to combat this is to keep language evolving.

Put another way, “<<<<< not mood.”

The best thing about What Do You Meme is how clearly it shows that capitalizing on “memes,” as they exist in culture, are like capturing a fart in a jar. By the time you can close the lid, it’s gone. No matter how fast you grab stolen pictures and bits of writing from your computer, anything you commit to cardstock will necessarily be dated, a reminder of years past rather than a celebration of contemporary culture. The seal and his neck fat, the baby clenching his fist, the fffffffuuuu guy, all long gone.

Then again, maybe that face when you find out girls poop.

If you haven’t already seen this bear with unexpectedly long legs, and the customer pictures of what it actually looks like, check it out.

The flavor manglers at Nabisco, having experimented with PB&J and Donut flavored Oreos, finally went up and over the swingset by creating Cookies & Creme Oreos, a flavor which traditionally comes from grinding Oreos up into ice cream or some sort of bar. It’s an Oreo flavored Oreo.

At least it probably tastes good, unlike Chorizo Spam, the canned-meat product that purportedly tastes “not like either one”, even garnering a one-star review from someone who begins their review, “I am a huge spam fan.”

The PicoBrew is a $549 countertop appliance that brews beer using Pico Paks (sealed pouches of grains and hops) that you can buy premade for around $25-30.   If you want to “customize” a Pico Pak, you drag and drop ingredients on the manufacturer’s website, and they make it and send it to you. You can’t use your own ingredients, because Pico Paks have RFID tags that the machine requires to operate. But you’ve got to love that they used “Brew Free Or Die IPA” in the product shots of their wi-fi beer maker with DRM.

Socks for the milk-drinking person in your life.

Or for the lady who consumes wine, pina coladas, cookies, margaritas, chocolate, tequila, sangria, beer, or tea. (Yes, unfortunately, those are all links.)

There’s no clinical evidence that “semen volumizers,” a class of supplements which claim to make you create more semen when you ejaculate, actually do such a thing. And there’s no clinical evidence that ejaculatory volume is tied to subjective measurements of pleasure, either. But you’ve got to hand it to Ball Refill for its name, when its competitors’ products are called Ejaculoid, RopeX, and BIGJIZ.