The Worst Things For Sale

Suffer the pain of not playing Mario while you play chess no longer! You’ve covered every surface of your house with question blocks and turtles and mushrooms, but your chess set has been lacking. No longer will your soul be at unrest for the lack of Turtle, Other Turtle, Turtle Girl That Spits Eggs From Mario 2, and Mean Turtle in your chess.

The insanity of “To Train Up A Child” is beyond my description and its cruelty is beyond my grasp. The authors of this book advocate physical abuse of a child beginning in infancy. Not discipline, but active, constant abuse. They recommend you pull an infant’s hair, hard, when he cries or bites a nipple during nursing. They describe, positively, a scenario where a man spanks a 12-month-old child for 45 minutes. As the child ages, the punishments get worse, and I’ll save you the anguish of describing them here. You can read the “Look Inside” sample online if you want to see exactly what they entail, if you have a strong stomach, or if you’d like to seethe in hatred of two of the most horrible people currently alive.

Anything described as “eggciting” is guaranteed to (1) involve eggs, and (2) not be exciting. This goes for you, too, Penis Egg Fryer.

The sex product “Belladonna’s Foot Soldiers” are silicone-rubber feet that you frot with. It seems to be the perfect thing for someone who wants to crank themselves off with a pair of dead, amputated feet… except for the multiple customers who mentioned in their reviews that they added glue-on toenails to make them more realistic.

I’ve tried chile beer before, which is never exactly “good”, but interesting. You get the base flavor of beer, plus a little bit of heat from the pepper extract. But Ramune Chili Oil Soda is wretched, marrying the bitter flavor of peppers and the sickly-sweet corn syrup with red food dye and zero chili heat to distract you from the nastiness. It’s six ounces, but I couldn’t get past the neck of the bottle before chucking it.

For those brave enough to finish the Chili Oil Soda, the next level is Ramune Takoyaki Soda – which claims to emulate the flavor of fried dough balls. I wanted to tell you what this tasted like, but I couldn’t get past sniffing the open bottle. Maybe you’re braver than I am, or your taste buds don’t work, or you need to win five bucks by drinking something bad, in which case this would be right up your alley.

It’s impossible for me to say anything about this book that it doesn’t say itself. You can hit the “Look Inside” button on the listing, if you want to read more of this, whatever it is.

Ass Goblins of Auschwitz is by the author of Abortion Arcade.

The Laundry Pod washes a small amount of your clothes manually. You use a bucket to fill it with water, crank the handle around, drain the soapy water (while you crank), fill it with more water from a bucket, then crank it again to rinse and drain your clothing. Which means it’s a plastic bucket that costs $89, and reviewers say it falls apart. Besides, if you were going to perform manual labor to wash your clothes, wouldn’t you just do it in the sink? For free?