The Worst Things For Sale

When you eat Deo Perfume Candy, it causes your body to exude scent.

The active ingredient is geraniol, a terpene which many people are allergic to. Using perfumes or scented products with geraniol can cause your skin to become irritated. So pumping your body full of so much geraniol that you ooze it from your pores is probably not a good idea, unless you’re sure that you’re not allergic to it, and you’re OK with eating perfume from Bulgaria.

Most reviewers suggest that it doesn’t work, by the way, so even if you’re still dying to dose yourself with internal fragrance, you might want to skip it.

I fucking love energy and power, so I was pumped to see that you could buy a pyramid orgone online. The manufacturer brags that it “helps awake you innate psychic sense”, which is going to be awesome. I can’t wait to be psychic.

The same seller has a “Drink And Food Energizer Orgone.” Do yourself a favor and view the high-res picture of this one. You are gonna be amazed at the really high-quality random pieces of metal this orgone is made of. Then you’re gonna buy it, because you’re not an idiot, and you want your drinks to have a TON of energy, and your food to have a ton of energy, and to “repel predatory forms of life.” (Like crystal-energy hucksters?)

“Zombie Jerky” is slimy, green beef jerky that costs $8 for a 1.25-ounce bag. Gas-station jerky is considerably cheaper ($6 for a 3-oz bag) so you’re paying a hefty premium for this little bag of hell. Also, the green goop there isn’t just the print on the plastic bag. The beef jerky inside is actually dyed green and intentionally slimier than usual, to make it “zombie.”

The manufacturer must realize this is stupid, because they actually had to mark the bag “FOR EATING.”

The listing for this leather beer holster claims that it’s for “rugged men”, but I’m not so sure about that. All the manly dudes I know just set their beer on the ground, or a patio, or a rock, or a table if they’re outside. None of them buy a special beer-bondage setup and tuck their shirt into their dad jeans to show it off. Maybe I’m hanging out with the wrong crew. 

The “Law Enforcement Reverse Peephole Viewer” ($75) lets someone look backwards through a peephole and see what’s going on inside. You are now aware that:

1. Law enforcement can look into your hotel room or apartment without you knowing.

2. Anyone with $75 can look into your hotel room or apartment without you knowing.

“Think you’ve bated to the good stuff?” the man asked me, taking a drag off his cigarette. The butt glowed orange, illuminating the dark alley. I nodded, and he laughed. “You haven’t even scratched the surface, kid.” He reached into his briefcase and handed me a copy of Mating With The Raptor. “This lady fucks a raptor. A dinosaur raptor. A real one, that’s alive.”

Shaking off my disbelief, I walked away, hurriedly tucking the dinoporn into my jacket pocket. “Wait,” he called after me. “You forgot something.” As I approached him once more, he handed me Mounted By The Gryphon, Ravished By The Triceratops, and Taken By The Pterodactyl. “Now get home before that boner of yours explodes and takes out a pedestrian.”

Combine Polaroid nostalgia with an iPhone, and what do you have? The popular social-photo site Instagram? Think again! It’s an over-$100 “printer” which amounts to a black plastic box. You put the iphone in the top, put some polaroid film in the bottom, open the shutter, and the film is exposed to the light from your iPhone. You’ll need some new-issue Polaroid film ($$$$ for 8 sheets) as well, if you can find it.