18 February, 2013
This miniature $160 ethanol-burning fireplace is perfect for a night in, when you want the ambience and warmth of a real fireplace, with the soothing soundtrack of “Shit. Shit. Ass. Motherfucker. I knocked— The rug. Shit. It’s spreading. Where’s your phone? Call the— No I don’t know where a fire extinguisher is. Call 911.”
17 February, 2013
“You wanted to see me, boss?” I called into Herb’s office. He grunted, his eyes unmoving from the website he was browsing. As I stood in the doorway, eyeing the stacks of paper in his decrepit filth-cube, I noticed his mousepad.
“Volunteer Dildo Patrol?” I asked. He frowned and slowly turned to me, his aging chair creaking as it swiveled. I continued. “Does that mean you go out looking for rogue dildos? Or you’re trying to protect the dildos? Or does it—”
“Keep asking and you’ll find out,” he growled.
16 February, 2013
15 February, 2013
This is a $32 t-shirt with electronics sewn into it, so you can “play the guitar” by pressing buttons on your shirt. The manufacturer has even added flames surrounding the guitar, so you can wear a flame shirt AND play shirt guitar.
It would be fun for kids, if it came in childrens’ sizes. Which it does not. Nope, this is for adults. Cool adults.
14 February, 2013
This is called “Spike Your Juice” and it’s a little kit to let you ferment fruit juice in your house. You know what it’s called when you turn juice into alcohol? Prison wine. You do it in an old bag, under your cot, and it tastes bad, and it costs nothing. Not $19.95.
Oh, and prison wine is not “a European favorite”, as the manufacturer describes. You’re thinking of real wine.
13 February, 2013
If you hate women, but love staring at them, you’ll love the creepy “Ethereal Girls.” To begin with, I excerpted the cover, because I thought the detailed-yet-not-quite-right drawings of underage womens’ breasts and genitals was a little much to put on my blog. (If you must, click through to see the vulvae of your high-school notebook dreams.)
The author forbids any portions of his book to be excerpted without his express consent, so I am unable to provide the actual text here (it’s in the “Look Inside” button here if you’re truly curious) but I will provide you with a sample of what you might potentially find if you were to plunk down the ten bucks for this flagrant abuse of the English language:
Stacey was wearing a short, tight jean skirt, that was really sexy, and her butt was sticking out, causing it to bulge around her butt. She leaned forward and said “It’s time for cheerleading practice.” The other girls nodded and when they nodded their boobs moved. They all had really big boobs, and round. Wow.
Stacey wondered if the other girls had magical powers. “Does anyone have magic” she thought, and then a big snake woman, who had really big and sexy boobs, came into the gym. “I’m going to use magic.” She said. Her boobs jiggled as she said the thing about magic.
The snake shook it’s tail and hissed, and the other girls said “We don’t have magic. Please save us.” They looked really great and 1 was crying, and it went on her boobs, and the tear went down in the cleavage (between the boobs) and everyone saw it.