Wikipedia: The Board Game

wikipedia-the-board-game

You can’t get much worse than a game based on a giant TV-episode guide disguised as an encyclopedia. And just like the website, Wikipedia: The Board Game is entirely based on pop culture, disguised as education. It’s arguably worse than the Urban Dictionary board game, which is spectacular, given that Urban Dictionary is mostly used by teenagers to write about fictional sex acts. (“The PORBUS is where the man poop on the girl boobs and touches the boobs!!!”)



The Worst Rubiks Cube

electric-shock-rubiks-cube

I found a 13×13 Rubiks-style cube a while back and assumed it was the worst possible cube puzzle. Wrong. The worst one is, actually, this bootleg 3×3 cube puzzle that shocks you with its internal stun gun. Why? No one knows. The manufacturer doesn’t even seem to know, describing it as “Help to find more happiness for these goods” and “Want to try to get an electric shock the feeling of the good stuff?”



Bowls You Can Eat

bread-bowl

If you wanted to fill a bowl with food and then eat the bowl, you could go with the basic bread bowl. But is it over-the-top complicated and horrible? Nope. So…

tortilla-bowl-maker

The tortilla bowl is okay, except that you need a standalone appliance to make it, and the manufacturer’s picture suggests that you fill it with a pound and a half of guacamole with two tiny pieces of onion on top.

cookie-bowl-mold-maker

Does this mold that creates a beautiful, crystalline bowl out of ice have an irrational amount of fat and sugar? No. Zero of both, in fact. So let’s make a bowl out of cookie dough, and fill it with ice cream, and eat the wet cookie. But we might as well go full-cancer and use The Perfect Bacon Bowl to microwave bacon into a bowl-shape. After all, the world is out there, and it’s up to you to make it into a bowl, and fill it with other food, and eat all of it.

The Selfie Toaster

the-selfie-toaster

At last, humanity has created the pinnacle of scientific achievement. No, not curing disease, achieving immortality, or even allowing all seven billion of us to live in peace with one another. It’s The Selfie Toaster, which burns a picture of your own face into bread. Like this:

drew-toast-burnt-impressions

(That’s me.) For the self-obsessed who don’t have the cash to drop on the relatively-expensive Selfie Toaster, there’s The Selfie Brush, a hairbrush which holds your phone.



Dog Collar Bottle Opener

dog-collar-bottle-opener

What kind of world would you live in where you need to open bottles, but can’t, because you’re not at home, and not in a bar, and you don’t have your keychain, but your dog is with you? The Dog Collar Bottle Opener world, I suppose.

In my world, if you want a dog that opens a beer bottle, you get Gold Dog Push Down Bottle Opener, because it’s a plastic dog who bears the exact expression you’d expect if you shoved a beer bottle up his ass.

 








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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.