The Jazz Pattern



Remembering something isn’t the same as liking it. But, I guess if you actually liked the “Jazz” pattern which was on half the paper cups you used in the 90s, you can buy this mug, and continue to drink out of its teal-and-purple glory. You could also buy the definitely-unlicensed, doesn’t-even-wrap-around t-shirt of the design.

Weirdly, the original paper cups are still being sold by the Solo corporation, the Jazz cup’s original manufacturer.

Future Vascular Surgeon


This is only funny if it only takes the baby a week to become accredited as a vascular surgeon, and she’s still a baby, so she has to crawl to the operating room.

Desecrating the American Flag


It’s always seemed strange to me that the people who are most obsessed with American patriotism, and the American flag, purchase products like this spittoon. But, hey… If you want to spit directly onto the American flag, you can do that. You want to wipe your feet on the American flag as a doormat? Be my guest. Put an American flag vibrator on your hotdog, or your hotdog bun, or your b-hole? Go for it. This is your country too, even if you disrespect the flag.

Snapchat Towel


Call me Dad if you will, but I never got Snapchat. I use Twitter all the time, obviously, but Snapchat, I never picked up on. But that’s okay. It just means it’s not for me or the people I talk to online. Which is probably the same reason why I don’t get the Snapchat Beach Towel (above) or the Snapchat Stuffed Animal. I also don’t wear weird little ankle socks, which are “frequently sold with” both of these items. It’s another part of the world, and it lives by its own rules, and that’s just life on a planet with seven billion people (1.2 after the die-down in the 2020s, but you didn’t hear that from me.)

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Contact drew at or tweet him @TWTFSale.