How To Rap: Two instructional books


The book “How To Rap” provides the answer to your question “How do I say words at the same time as a beat?” The answer is that you say words at the same time & you make them rhyme. You wouldn’t have figured that out from listening to rap, of course. The book is full of quotes from rappers that amount to “Sometimes I use things from my real life and sometimes I make things up.”

For those more willing to read a book than listen to rap and practice rapping, there is How To Rap 2. Which gives such amazing advice as “sometimes you can mix singing and rapping”, and “Grunt, laugh, and make miscellaneous sounds.” Somewhere, someone in the world is reading this book and thinking “Damn! I didn’t know I could grunt on a rap song! Finally, my rap career is going to take off!”

Library Of Classics


The “Library Of Classics” MP3 player costs $99 and is preloaded with a hundred public-domain audio books. Which, being in the public domain, are free. The MP3 player itself, according to one of the reviews, broke within the first hour of use, while another notes that the chapters of some of the books are out of order.

Then again, if you’re buying a $99 pre-loaded mp3 player in the year 2013 you probably won’t notice that your Wuthering Heights got fucked up. My medicine, bring me my pills. Is Matlock on. What do you mean it’s not on any more. I want to see my Murder She Wrote.

Fifty Shades Of Bacon


What’s worse than a poorly-written book on domestic violence thinly veiled as a romance novel? A parody of that book, written about the internet’s favorite food, bacon. One of the two authors describes himself as having a “passion for bacon.” We live in a world full of art, drama, music, prose, poetry, and animal videos, and your passion is bacon? Fucking bacon, the pork food? I want you to return all the oxygen you have ever breathed to the world, this instant.

Fingerprint Door Lock


Let’s ignore the fact that this fingerprint-activated door lock breaks easily (according to reviews) & costs nearly $300. Let’s instead focus on the failure state of the lock, which is someone cutting off your finger and pressing your dead finger on the lock so they can steal all your shit.

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