Share

Espresso Machine from the Future

tumblr_m6hxa0hPzx1rt7j2bo1_500

The main cost of this $3,199 espresso machine, I’m guessing, is the special feature that lets you store drink recipes and retrieve them with a futuristic fingerprint pad. You push your finger onto the screen and then it makes your espresso.

If you’re a coffee snob, or a barista, you know that a little tiny machine isn’t going to tamp the espresso down properly or develop enough pressure to pull a decent shot. But I guess if you’ve got three grand to blow on a coffeemaker, you’re probably in a headspace where you’re tired of not having coffee made automatically when you push your thumb into the cheek of a Starbucks employee without saying a word.

Beer:30

tumblr_m6hxswb55i1rt7j2bo1_500-1

“Sir, I’ll need your license and registration, please.”

“What’s this about, officer?”

“Do you know what time it is?”

“No, officer, I don’t.”

“It’s I Pulled You Over When I Saw Your Sticker:30.

Big Wet Asses

biwetasses

I agree that a USB thumb-drive is more convenient and portable than a DVD, but I’m not sure that you need 4 gigabytes of ass-porn “every where you go,” as the manufacturer suggests.

And I love the name “Fleshdrive” for a flash drive full of “Big Wet Asses” but I’m not sure who owns a computer in 2012 and hasn’t yet figured out that the internet is entirely full of free, streaming ass-porn, or failing that, gotten the idea to simply store his ass-porn on his computer instead of carrying it around on his keychain like a gym membership.



Orgreenic frying pan

tumblr_m6g3i3qTXS1rt7j2bo1_500

The Orgreenic frying pan boasts a non-stick surface that is absent of teflon. Teflon pans, as you may know, release toxic gas if they are heated long enough with nothing in them. Sounds good, but of course it’s a piece of shit or I wouldn’t be writing about it here.

1. The instructions require you to “season” it with oil. You know what else requires this? A cast iron pan.

2. The non-stick properties of this pan fail when it is not “seasoned” properly or enough. Like a cast iron pan.

The cherry on this sundae is, of course, the name orgreenic, a gross way to shoehorn the concepts of “green” and “organic” into a piece of metal. I guess there’s actually a second cherry, too, and that’s the gallery of customer images showing the pan covered in burned shit because it doesn’t really work at all.



My Spirit-Quest Journey

tumblr_m763p0Woy81rt7j2bo1_500

I walked through the rainforest for hours, almost giving up before coming upon a small clearing with a hut. I knocked on the door, and the shaman waved me in.

On the dirt floor of the hut sat a new MacBook Pro, and in preparation for my visit, the shaman had called up the recipe for ayahuasca, the spiritual hallucinogen of his ancestors. “You can get all the shit you need online, bro,” he told me, pointing to a listing for powdered mimosa hostilis. “I’ll get overnight on it so we can get trippy ASAP.” He clicked the checkout button, and then opened the MP3 player. “You into Shpongle?” I shook my head. He ignored me, clicking the Shpongle, and the laptop’s speakers began to play vaguely-ethnic techno.

“You want some bath salts?” he asked, passing me a paper envelope. I shook my head again, and he laughed. “I fuckin’ love bath salts, bro,” he said, tilted his head back, and emptied the envelope into one nostril.



Cellulite

tumblr_m52b9yIeJH1rt7j2bo1_500

There is no cure or effective treatment for cellulite. The problem with that is not that ladies’ legs get a little lumpy (Men don’t care, BTW) but that companies step in to fill the void with hoaxes and pseudomedicine.

My favorite anti-cellulite device, and I’ve looked at hundreds, is the G5 GX-99, which is an awful fancy name for a piece of shit that looks like a carwash vacuum taped to the bottom of a doctor’s chair. It’s not my favorite because it does over $2000 of nothing, either. It’s my favorite because the “product features” are a single, empty bullet point, nicely summing up the idea that if you want to fight cellulite, you’ll need boxing gloves and the lower half of any woman over 20.







TWTFS is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com. We are not affiliated with the manufacturers whose products appear on TWTFS.