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Chocolate-covered pork rinds

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Low-carb diets can work well and enable you to restrict your calorie intake without feeling bad. But eating “Pork Chocs”, which are sugar-free milk-chocolate-coated pork rinds, are the worst way to go about this.

Both pork rinds and milk chocolate are full of fat, which isn’t necessarily terrible, but if you’ve ever known an Atkins dieter you know they’re going to eat the whole bag of this nasty shit in one go, as a snack. Then eat bacon for lunch and steak and cheese for dinner. I know all of this because I did the Atkins diet last decade. I would have eaten Pork Chocs, maybe. I don’t know. It’s impossible to say what you’ll do in a crisis situation until it happens. All I know is I’m glad I don’t live in Atkins world anymore, where plain yogurt is full of evil carbs, but it’s okay to slam a pound of pig fat into your greasy maw, screaming “IT’S ZERO CARB, IT’S DIET FOOD” at anyone who asks why you’re filling yourself with animal oil like a deep frier.

Turkey Hat Person

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It’s not too late! Get a turkey hat so you can be The Turkey Hat Person at your family’s Thanksgiving dinner! Give them a conversation point that’s better than “he needs to get a better job” or “why hasn’t she settled down yet?” Take off your shirt, slam two devilled eggs on your nips and run through your childhood home, screaming “I’M THANKFUL FOR THESE EGGS!!!! I’M THANKFUL FOR THIS HAT!!!!!!!” They’ll never bother having a conversation about your failed aspirations ever again.

I’m not just the president of this club, by the way… I’m also a member.



How to “poo”

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Do you, an adult with a job, really need a guide to “how to poo at work”?

Yes, you do?

Okay, I’ll save you $10: Go into the bathroom and take a dump with your butt.



Cilantro

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Some people think cilantro is OK, and good for you, it doesn’t taste like weird soap in your mouth and make you want to die. I just think whoever started farming this stuff should have asked around to make sure half the people in the world didn’t think it was sick.

I’m tasting cilantro in my mouth just writing this, and getting really close to buying a live cilantro plant and putting it straight into the compost pile to show it who’s boss.







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