TP Giraffe


The perfect addition to your safari-themed bathroom, this giraffe-shaped toilet-paper holder is a great way to symbolically suffocate nature’s beauty with the convenience of the modern world. The metal giraffe quietly cries out “No! No, I can’t breathe!” as you emotionlessly drop roll after roll of Charmin Ultra-Butt down onto his neck, sealing his fate.

Parking Only


I’ve seen these parking signs at every shitty flea market for my entire life. And for the whole of my wretched existence on this doomed mud-sphere, I’ve imagined someone hanging this in their divorced dad’s garage, then standing in front of it every day as their step-mom comes home from work, shaking their head and tapping the sign. You can’t park here, Stephanie, your food sucks and you’re not even my real mom.

Peanut Butter & Jelly Of The Month


For only $215, you can join the Peanut Butter & Jelly Of The Month Club. I love peanut butter & jelly, admittedly, but I think that’s mostly because I can use the same Jif and Smuckers that I ate as a kid. Spreading ten bucks’ worth of artisanal hand-ground african peanut crumble onto a piece of bread with ten bucks’ worth of single-origin orange mumbleberry preserves just wouldn’t trigger the part of my brain that remembers what life was like before pimples and driving.

The ad copy says (among other things) that you can’t live without this subscription, and if that’s true, then turn on my webcam to watch me die, melt me down in a giant microwave, and pour my dead ass into a jar labeled “Didn’t subscribe to PB&J.”

Vegan Rolling Paper Tips



It’s really important to someone, somewhere, that their rolling paper tips be vegan, because despite the fact that they are burning and inhaling a hot gaseous stew of tobacco-based cancer, they want to make sure the PAPER DIDN’T COME FROM AN ANIMAL.

This is the point where Mr. Hemp pops his head in and says “But DUDE, weeeEEEeedddd isn’t cancerous!” And that’s kind of true, it’s not as bad for you as smoking tobacco. But the fertilizers commonly used for marijuana cultivation are made from animal bones, animal blood, bird shit, and worm shit. Seriously. Bone meal, blood meal, guano, and worm castings.

Weed’s nutrients all come from animals and I hope you’re not high right now because it’s trippy as hell to think about dead cows in your lungs, and cow blood, and how it went through your lungs, and you’re partially made of cow and birdshit now. You’re made of animals and animal shit. We all are. That’s, like, how everything is tied together, man. Whoa.

HAHAhah poopy water


“Look! I drink poopy water!” the grocery-store shift manager said, after all the employees had assembled in his office. He lifted his toilet-bowl mug and giggled. “Ha! Ha! Not poop! Just coffee!”

Across town, at the co-op, the manager at the organic-foods store went from one name-tagged teenager to the next. “You recycle this?” he said, shoving a recycling-bin-shaped coffee mug in one face after another. Laughing, he said “No! Don’t recycle brown poopy water! Just plastic and paper!”

Meanwhile, in an empty house, a cat lapped forlornly from the toilet-bowl-shaped pet-water receptacle. “I can’t believe they degrade me like this,” he thought, flicking his tongue expertly to pull water into his mouth using a combination of fluid dynamics and surface tension. “All I want is some dignity.”

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