The Worst Things For Sale

Call me crazy, but wouldn’t it be harder to try to keep a plastic spoon stuck on the end of your finger, and eat with a fingertip-spoon, than to use a regular plastic spoon? And aren’t plastic spoons cheaper than $16.89 for a four-pack?

Through the magic of Patreon (sign up here for $0.10 a day & you will be rewarded), I’ve created a new podcast with my friend Ed Zitron called FTF. It stands for “Fuck The Future,” but iTunes censored us, so it’s… just FTF now. But please listen, since it’s related to (but doesn’t cover the same material as) The Worst Things For Sale. And you can listen to it instead of read it. It’s at @FTFutureCast. We’ve put out 7 episodes so far. Enjoy.

It’s reassuring to know that in our modern hell-world, where we can stream giga-hardcore videos of men and women brutalizing themselves in all holes, you can still get softcore porn. (The cover is blurred here for what I hope are obvious reasons. You can see the uncensored Zen Garden Nipples on the product page.)

The highlight of Pure Nude Yoga: Zen Garden Goddess is the reviews. It’s accumulated ninety of them as of right now, and include such gems as “I bought this mainly because I’m into staring at naked girls and sort of was interested in trying yoga.” Another notes that “toward the end, [she was] looking distinctly sunburned.”

For those who aren’t satisfied with this toe into the pool of creepvids, there is Totally Nude Balance Ball Workout, and Nude House Cleaning Top To Bottom. If I have to pick a highlight, it’s a man who calls himself Chuck Steak, who one-stars “House Cleaning” and then comes back to his own review, four months later, to say “I haven’t watched this since the initial viewing.” Keep us updated, Chuck.

The White Castle scented candle fills your house with the sensual aroma of White Castle hamburgers. It’s not “bread” or “hamburger” scent. It’s actual “White House Grease And Onion Scent.”

“Hand-ground” pepper. Because the pepper mill is shaped like a hand.

The “FUN LIGHT SWITCH BOX”, which is titled in all-caps by the manufacturer, is a $69.95 kit which, after you drill 17 holes and wire up all of the buttons and lights, allows you to turn on the lights by turning the switches on and off. You can also turn the lights off. “FUN.”

You might think a “vagina toaster” is something you’d use during the winter to stay warm, but you’d be wrong. It’s a toaster that burns a picture of a vagina into a piece of bread. Well, kind of a vagina. I’ve blurred the image here just in case, but you can see the uncensored one on the product listing if you must.