The Worst Things For Sale

In what seems to be an attempt to spam the entire music industry, a man named Matt Farley has recorded thousands of songs and set them out for sale online. “The Passionate & Objective Jokerfan” is one of his pseudonyms, and he has released ELEVEN albums under this name alone. Using the same, uh, “musical style.”

If you must, listen to “Katy Perry, You Make Good Songs” or probably any song from the album titled “Nice Man Sings Song For The People Songs Yes Now Cover Up.”

He’s got dozens of pseudonyms (The Strange Man Who Sings About Dead Animals, The Paranormal Song Warrior, The New York Sports Band, etc.) but probably the best is “The Birthday Band For Old People,” where he has recorded 17 albums’ worth of songs wishing a happy birthday to a specific person’s name. “Happy Birthday Bart”, “Happy Birthday Brenda”, and so on, over and over.

There are two possible scenarios for this author’s continuing series of books. Either she likes robot-fuckin’ enough to write five books about it on her own, or the demand is still so high after the first four that she was golden-handcuffed to continue the series. Regardless, there are five books with the title “Sex With My Husband’s Anatomically Correct Robot,” and they all have “Look Inside” links, so you can experience the grammar-defying world of dickbots.

The third book of the series is what you want if you’re into robot incest, by the way.

The “Little Whizzer” lets you live your lifelong dream of having a little boy piss in your drink.

Ladies, are you tired of feeling insecure about every body part except your arms? It’s your lucky day. It’s time to buy an arm girdle! This one’s in black, to “reduce arm flab.”

This one’s a nude-color arm girdle! And it provides an “arm smoothing effect”!!!

This one, and I quote, “creates the perfectly firm arms of your dreams.”

Insta-Snow Powder is a polymer that expands when mixed with water, and it’s generally well-liked. A tub of it holds 100 grams and it’s not very expensive. I’m linking it here because you’ll want to read this review of a woman in Arizona who bought 75 gallons’ worth of Insta-Snow Powder and covered her entire front yard in it, and then complained that it was hard to clean up.

There’s apparently a huge market in cat videos. Not the ones you watch on your computer that have cats in them, but videos that you put on your TV for your cat to watch. You can choose from Video Catnip, Cat Sitter, The Purrfect DVD, Cat Dreams, Cat DVD, and a dozen other titles.

If you’re not feeling like this is a troubling advancement for humanity, I urge you to watch the Cat DVD infomercial and report back.

The Rotato is a hand-operated potato peeler, which is made of plastic and seems to always arrive broken.

If you’re a bigtime potato peeler, you’d probably be better off with this metal apple/potato peeler-slicer-corer that’s half the price of the Rotato. You could also use a regular vegetable peeler that costs less than a buck. It’s not as catchy as Rotato, though.