The Worst Things For Sale

With the Scatola del Tempo armored watch-winding cabinet, you’ll never need a watch butler to wind your watches ever again! It holds 32 watches and is only $76,600.00. Plus shipping.

There are dozens of items titled “ASDF” for sale online. Here’s a selection of them:

“ASDF” by S. Ashton: A $6.89 paperback which appears to only contain IRS publication 10311G, the instructions for filing your federal 2012 tax return.

“ASDF: An Autosexual Odyssey”: A 398-page work of cyber-erotica which begins “Seldom do I post poetry to my blog, but”.

asdf: An audio CD available for $1.08 with a review from 2004 stating “I would recommend this CD for anyone who is into QWERTY.”

ASDF: A toy car that costs $51.82.

“ASDF: A Novelette”: a book whose author compares it to Finnegan’s Wake, which is probably true. It’s probably a lot like Finnegan’s Wake.

“asdf” by asdfasdf: A book which will be released January 1, 3333. No cover image yet, for obvious reasons.

“asdf [Single]“: A cassette single whose only picture is that of a chess set. It’s $24.18, and also out of stock.

Sea Monkeys have been around since the 1950s, and for most of their existence, they were cheap in their disappointment. You spent three bucks ($9 these days) and got a plastic tank and a packet with dessicated shrimp that “magically” came back to life when you dumped them into water. (The scientific term is cryptobiosis – the eggs enter a state of suspended animation when removed from water and resume their life cycle when rehydrated.)

Not content with this cheap disappointment, the manufacturer has released a $49 projector-tank so you can see a shadow play by your tiny, disgusting crustaceans. Watch them float around in water, eating the tiny pieces of yeast you feed them! Watch them… uh… exist… alive… maybe! Watch the dead ones exist very similarly to the alive ones! Like most of the American dreams from the 1950s, it was a brazen lie, perpetrated by brazen profiteers, yet continues to beguile our society to this day.

“Dick Swap” is a story of two men who switch penises. The author’s description includes the sentence “When one of the penises turns up missing, it leads them on a strange and beautiful quest of self-examination, friendship, and mystery.” You can read the preview for free in the “Look Inside” link, as usual, if you want to see exactly how they swap dicks, or why.

Tired of the non-adventure of sleeping on a bed moored to the earth by the simple force of gravity? Why don’t you hammer a metal hook into the face of a steep cliff and sleep there? For only $699.95, the pleasure can be yours.

In 2003, “Macho Man” Randy Savage recorded a rap album. It’s out of print, of course, but it’s apparently collectible.

The TowlHub is a 4-port USB charger combined with a paper towel holder. It’s $49.99, which is a small price to pay for keeping thousands of dollars of tablets and phones right next to your kitchen sink.