The Worst Things For Sale

Talk to them like they’re people, and take them to dinner? Haha, no, my friend, you’re going to need a 192-page eBook with the specific process I’ve spent years researching.

The idea of this cat turntable is cute, but if you buy this for your cat, he will never scratch it like in that illustration. He will scratch everything else in your house, but not this toy. At best, he will piss on the cat turntable, and his urine will soak into it, giving you the choice of throwing out your $26 cat toy, or letting your home continue to reek of cat urine.

Scissortape is a tape dispenser and a pair of scissors, connected to each other, for the peculiar brand of “convenience” that makes both tools much harder to use.

Do you love the inconvenience of a won’t-turn-on-and-keeps-turning-off public bathroom faucet, and wish you could extend this affront to your home life? I’ve got a special $48 something for you, horrible faucet-lover.

This fake brown paper bag, at $13, is roughly 60 times more expensive than an actual brown paper bag. (A paper bag is also reusable, if you can handle taking it back home instead of throwing it away at work.)

This ant farm has collected some mixed reviews, but none are so sad as the tragic tale one man tells of the lonely ant wandering the wreckage of Uncle Milton’s Ant Farm.

From the author of HTML For Babies comes the sequel, Web Design For Babies. Your baby probably won’t understand this book, but on the off chance that he does, the sheer weight of the world’s mediocrity will crush his spirit before he’s old enough to walk. There is no joy in Web Design For Babies.