The Worst Things For Sale

Make your cheap, naturally-invigorating drink a source of hostility! Try bringing this “middle finger mug” to work so you can flip yourself the bird while you’re trying to swallow enough caffeine to drag yourself through your soul-crushing daily routine. If you can’t stop the entire rest of the world from giving you the finger on a near-constant basis, I guess you can join them by flicking yourself off, to prove you’re one of them. Hey, look, I agree with you! I hate me too!

Is your bad driving preventing you from driving in a carefree fashion? Keep running your car into cars and people because you’re unable to master one of the basic skills of modern life? Then you might want Parking Armor, a padded bumper you strap to the center of your bumper.

“Sneaky Shorts” are a way to smuggle 24 ounces of booze into work, or a baseball game, or wherever you want to secretly carry booze in a thin liquid bag strapped to your upper thighs. If Sneaky Shorts are the solution to the problem you think you have, you may find out, ultimately, that you actually have a different problem.

The chainmail necktie is a great way to say “Sure, I have a job that requires me to wear a tie, but that doesn’t mean I want to be promoted.”

I think they mean “protection”, but regardless, this $160 Ethernet/USB dongle supposedly protects your brain from radiation from your Wi-Fi router. Of course, if it actually did this, it would mean your wireless router would stop transmitting signals. But it doesn’t do this. So, if it didn’t cost $160, it wouldn’t be THAT terrible. But it does. So it is.

The truly paranoid can also purchase the $296 “Home Protection System for Smart Meters” from the same company, which protects your brain from your gas meter.

The vaguely named “Vomit Mix Capsules” are $16.95, and described by the manufacturer as containing “a proprietary mix of herbs.” No details on what the herbs are, and no picture of the product except for a tiny picture of a woman barfing. The same manufacturer sells “Asthma Mix,” which has a single, one-star review claiming his Asthma Mix Capsules were expired by the time they arrived. Hey, you want a proprietary mix of herbs, you gotta accept that they might be expired.

The HD Spy Pen is a $10 pen-camera, which records hours of HD video to SD card and has a mini-USB port to transfer video onto your computer. It is the #1 best-seller in the “Hidden Camera” category. Also, you are now aware that there is a “Hidden Camera” category of items for sale, and that lots of people buy them, and that you’ve probably already been recorded on someone’s hidden camera, even if they weren’t a Google Glasshole.