The Worst Things For Sale

“Love Is Art” is a $60-ish kit consisting of a piece of fabric and a bottle of paint. You put the paint on you and your partner’s body, fuck on the canvas, let it dry, and then hang it up. Then, probably, if you’re the kind of person who thinks this is cool, whenever someone asks, you smile creepily and say “That print was made by making love.”

Or, if you’re not a weirdo, you try it out of being a good sport and find that the paint dries fast and doesn’t come off your body, leaving you scrubbing your body and screaming in the shower like this reviewer (2 stars out of 5.)

It’s covered in a poop-emoji print. It has a poop emoji on top. It farts. And in the upper-right corner, it simply says “POOP,” for no discernible reason.

Do you love cephalopods AND America? You do? Well, it sounds like we may have just found… (slowly puts on foam hat) The Best Thing For Sale.

The only redeeming quality about this plastic drinking-game accessory is the lone review, which said that it came earlier than expected.

The labeling on this glass is backwards – when you pour liquid into a container, the volume starts at zero and goes up. At least it doesn’t say “W-I-Ne” as if wine is a collection of tungsten, iodine, and neon, like this wine glass.

“Throw poopoo,” one executive said, and giggled. “Hahah throw poopies.”

The other, pacing around the room, furrowed his brow in thought for a moment. Then, his face lit with inspiration. “Haha throw poopies at HEAD! Poopy sticks to your head! Pooooooooooooopoooooooo!” The first executive leapt from his seat, held hands with the second and began to dance, kicking his heels high in the air. “Haha, doody game, poop on your head!” he cried. “Doody head, put doodies on your head, poop on your head,” laughed the second, careening through the conference room hand-in-hand with the first.

The LitterMaid, a self-cleaning litter box, would be a great idea. Except that it doesn’t work at all. It has over 300 negative reviews, stating that the motor’s too weak, the replaceable parts are too expensive, and the tines on the shit-rake break off easily when they try to clean your cat’s turds.

If you’re looking for a solution to having a sandy box of cat turds in your house, you might skip the LitterMate and the PetZoom (a plastic patch of astroturf) and just teach your cat to crap in the regular toilet.