The Worst Things For Sale

Time travelers from the year 3123 go back in time to do BDSM to Hitler in a poorly-written ninety-nine cent Kindle book. There’s a “Look Inside”, if you don’t believe me.

The Snoopy Sno Cone Machine is a toy that several of my friends had when I was a kid. From what I remember, not a single one of them ever worked. For some reason,  it’s being made again. According to about half of the reviewers, it still doesn’t work. You’ve gotta hand it to them for sticking to the original design.

The PanWaffle is a piece of cookware that you use to make a pancake-waffle. No, not pancakes and waffles. Just a pancake-waffle.

Pancakes are beloved for their fluffy, soft texture, and waffles are best when crisp, so I’d imagine a PanWaffle is neither. Not that, according to reviews, you can even use it without it falling apart.

The phrase “zombie apocalypse” is often used as a jokey term for emergency preparedness, which, if you ignore the “prepper lifestyle,” isn’t necessarily bad. It’s just that it’s always smelled a bit off to me, like it’s being used as a metaphor for “the good guys” hiding in a basement, fighting off people from a different race who want to consume your culture and turn you into them. The conservative fear of “White America” becoming multiracial America, except you don’t say race, so no one can complain, because you just said zombies.

Anyway, here’s a bag of knives for three hundred dollars.

Boxing Fight Ball is a tennis ball you attach to your head and fight. I don’t know how it would work in practice, but at least the manufacturer insists that it’s “Improved design Will not leave a mark on the forehead,” suggesting that it used to also leave a mark on your forehead.

At a price of only $2,990.00, you wouldn’t expect this wireless speaker to connect reliably via Bluetooth, so it’s no surprise that such a low-priced appliance has trouble with its most basic functionality. Other reviews mention that the speaker “unglued on one side,” and “sound not so hot.” But what do you expect for less than three grand?

The Oreo Cookie Club is a monthly box containing cookies, merchandise, and, implausibly, a “recipe card.” Then again, if you’re plunking down over two hundred bucks for a year of Oreo subscription, you probably need some ways to switch up your Oreo consumption.

It’s mostly here for the picture of a lady giving the Oreo Cookie Club to someone. Happy birthday, I got you cookies that are cheaper at the gas station.