The Worst Things For Sale

Bitcoin, somehow, keeps increasing in value, and along with it, alternate currencies are capturing billions of dollars of wealth. Now that it’s regularly being covered in the mainstream media, and the average person understands it’s worth a shitload of money (if you can convert it back to dollars, which is more difficult than it seems) it’s dumber than ever to wear cryptocurrency shirts. (See this case of a guy who was kidnapped and had $1,800,000 worth of Bitcoin stolen at gunpoint.)

“Crypto Millionaire” is an obvious one, because it literally begs someone to steal your money, but the “99 Problems But My Bitcoin Ain’t One” shirt isn’t much better. And “Bitcoin Whale” literally means “I have a shitload of Bitcoin.” More obvious even than Bitcoin Whale is “I bought before it reached $10.000.”

Tangentially, the “Jesus Loves Bitcoin” shirt, while not an overt advertisement for your crypto-wealth, is only for people who never heard what Jesus did to the moneychangers.

Anyway, if you get biffed over the head with a rock in a sock while you’re waiting for your UberX, and someone steals your Monero, Ripple, or Ethereum by forcing you to authenticate a currency transfer, as this shirt says, “told ya.”

For those who love the awful motion-detector paper-towel dispensers in public restrooms, you can now own one for your kitchen, and wave your wet hands in front of it over and over, until it finally dispenses a single paper towel.

Unsurprisingly, reviewers of “Rocky Mountain Oyster” (beef testicle) jerky say that it has an unpleasant flavor and texture. I don’t know what you were expecting, reviewers.

The surprise in Money Duck Soap is not that each bar contains a one-dollar bill, but rather, that there aren’t a bunch of fake reviews claiming to have gotten $50 from Money Duck Soap.

Three days ago, a false alarm went out that Hawaii was about to be nuked, and everyone in the state should immediately seek shelter. Today, a shirt is on sale to laugh at this terrifying event.

This travel mug seems to cross the line from targeted-merchandise to threat.

Sure, you’ve got the Star Wars Toaster, the Darth Vader Waffle Maker, and the Star Wars Immersion Blender, but do you have the Darth Vader Robot Vacuum? Didn’t think so. Looks like you’re not really a Star Wars fan.

(There’s also a Stormtrooper Robot Vacuum, if you want to robot-vacuum with Star Wars but don’t have the cash for the top of the line Star Wars Robot Vacuum.)