The Worst Things For Sale

Your newborn baby, unfortunately, has a few more years until he or she can get their hands on an assault rifle. Members of Congress are working around the clock to give your infant the right to own a gun, and in the meantime, this baby’s AR-15 shirt, which also calls the reader “little bitch,” is a step in the right direction. You’ll also need the “Come And Take It” baby bib, ringed in a pleasant lavender color, implying that your tiny child is already terrified the government will take their assault rifle.

For centuries, meditation has been an effective technique to focus and calm the mind. Now, in 2017, it’s been revealed that you actually need this $346.99 chair to meditate. Which sucks, because I thought that you could do it literally anywhere, indoors or out, on the floor, or even the ground.

Say what you will about the wine lanyard, but at least that lets you hold your drink on an open loop around your neck, rather than the slipknot of BevTie, the tie that holds beverages.

Sold by the brand “Home Comforts,” I think you’ll agree with me that there’s nothing that makes your house cozier than a polonium-210-fuelled thermoelectric generator. (The item that’s being sold is a print of this photograph, not the generator itself, of course.)

The scent on this “Apple Pie” candle changes to what the manufacturer describes as “Dirty Fart” after several hours of burning. Unfortunately, this requires your victim to open the candle up and light it. This means the most likely scenario is that in several months or years, you’ll ask your friend about the candle, and they’ll lie and say they used it and it smelled great.

Seedling Parker is a teddy bear that’s also an app. Your child uses their tablet or phone to interact with the stuffed animal, accumulating points for maintaining his health, in an innovative way to completely eliminate imagination from stuffed-animal play. It also transforms physical interaction with a toy into app time, as the concept of “augmented reality” means that you must view the toy through your screen in order for its features to work.

New York City is a fantastic and unique place, but I can’t say I’d recommend its smell to anyone. Curiously, the manufacturer describes it as “the scent of … fine department stores and concrete,” which leads me to believe they have never been to the city.