The Worst Things For Sale

Beardaments are ornaments for your beard, as you probably deduced from the name, or the picture. The only good thing about them is the manufacturer’s warning to look out for counterfeit Beardaments.

This horrifying phone case appears to show a photo of penile cancer. Yes, it’s uncensored on the listing. No, you should not click.

Made from real deer antlers, the Antler Chandelier, above, is a combination of lightbulb sockets and deer antlers, for some reason. And it’s only the second-most-expensive antler-based chandelier that I could find. Here’s the most-expensive one.

Thanks to FitBark, you can now run your dog’s life with the same obsessive, phone-based tracking that you run your own with. You can set health goals for your dog, and, neurotically, compare your dog to similar dogs. Five years ago, you would have been convinced I made this up. Today, it’s not only real, but perhaps not even the worst smart device for dogs: that honor probably goes to Petzi, the $160 box that lets you remotely drop a dog treat out of a hole when you tap a button on your phone.

(Petzi’s competitor, the slightly-more-expensive PetCube, integrates with Alexa, so you can tell Amazon to tell your PetCube to tell your dog he’s a good boy.)

You can turn any television into a touchscreen with the absurdly expensive Touchjet Wave, a goosenecked box that clips to the top of your television, and brings back the days of not being able to operate your television from your couch. Most televisions sold now let you navigate YouTube or Netflix using the remote that comes with the television, so why you’d want to get fingerprints on the front of your flat-screen is a mystery.

If only there were a way to get pickle juice without buying a fancy bottle of pickle juice. Then these guys would be out of business.

Edit: After hours of research, I have concluded there is no such thing. You must buy the fancy bottle if you are to have pickle juice.

The Jackpen, a tiny plastic nub that fits into your iPhone’s headphone jack, enables you to “turn your iPhone into a pen.” Unfortunately, it’s about a hundred times more expensive than a regular pen, and according to one review, it won’t “finish even an entire sentence before the ink runs out.”