The Worst Things For Sale

Sapp is a concoction of birch-tree sap, apple juice, and “adaptogenic, immune-boosting chaga.” Extracts of the chaga mushroom have not been assessed in human trials, interact with several medications, and may cause kidney damage in frequent users, so “immune-boosting chaga” would not be how I’d describe this ingredient.

It’s “frequently bought together” with Maple Water, a bottled drink thankfully only containing maple sap.

The Tespo is a countertop appliance into which you insert disposable pods, containing powdered multivitamins, which the machine mixes with water, and which you then drink. Its manufacturers push the idea that traditionally cheap, ubiquitous vitamin pills contain “junk,” a problem remedied by purchasing vitamin pods from Tespo. As you might expect, the machine itself has mixed reviews, with some customers saying that it broke quickly, and others pointing out that, like the Juicero, you can squeeze the vitamin powder out of the pods using your hands, obviating the need for the machine.

This 440-lb stuffed Hansa giraffe “toy” is over fifteen feet tall. I’ll let you guess, in your mind, how much you think it costs, before you click and are astonished.

Hansa also makes a “ride-on Brontosaurus,” though whether or not you’d let your child climb on something this expensive is up to you.

This “smart” water pitcher reminds you to drink water eight times a day. An entire micro-industry has been built around the spurious idea that you need to consume eight glasses of water a day. No one knows for sure where this myth started, but it spread via Pinterest, Facebook and Instagram until everyone in the world shared and re-shared the need to drink 80 ounces of water per day.

The best I can tell, this came from a 1945 article in the peer-reviewed journal Nutrition Reviews, which I’ve excerpted below:

Of course, it’s less Pinteresting to say that the recommended daily allowance of water includes water contained in coffee, tea, soft drinks, and the food you eat. It doesn’t fit into the neatly-regimented food-nutty rules of people telling each other to “Eat Clean,” either. And it kills the idea of charging people to use an app, a smart bottle, or a smart cup to remind them to drink water. But capitalism doesn’t thrive on healthy, sane people making rational decisions and living their lives without fear. You can’t sell health and happiness. You can tell people they’re not healthy and sell them the cure, though. Drink your water.

Licki is a cat brush you hold with your mouth, to simulate licking your cat with an enormous, spiked tongue. There’s a video of a guy using it on his cat in the listing if you’re not sure how this works, or you want to experience the horror by seeing it for yourself.

You will, of course, also need this for the mounds of cat hair you collect.

The makers of Enterosgel, an unflavored siloxane gel, claims that it “cleanses the gut” and has anti-bacterial, anti-viral, and protective effects on the liver and kidneys. It does not do any of these things, because siloxane gel is inert. It’s generally safe to eat, so it probably won’t hurt you. Treating acute diarrhea is also indicated as a use of Enterosgel, but I haven’t found any studies in which polymethylsiloxane was shown to be effective in treating diarrhea.

The highlight is the five-star customer review that says “Tastes better than Smecta!” (I’ve linked to Smecta there, in case you’re curious about Smecta.)

Dinner is coming, haha.

All right.

Yup.

You could, of course, go on with this much longer than I did: