The Worst Things For Sale

The flavor manglers at Nabisco, having experimented with PB&J and Donut flavored Oreos, finally went up and over the swingset by creating Cookies & Creme Oreos, a flavor which traditionally comes from grinding Oreos up into ice cream or some sort of bar. It’s an Oreo flavored Oreo.

At least it probably tastes good, unlike Chorizo Spam, the canned-meat product that purportedly tastes “not like either one”, even garnering a one-star review from someone who begins their review, “I am a huge spam fan.”

When the Segway was first released in 2002, they cost thousands of dollars, and were praised as an invention that would change society.

Over the years, the price has fallen dramatically, but they continue to be a non-starter in society. It turns out people just don’t want to ride Segways. Careening out of control on an expensive motorized scooter remains a niche interest. I suppose it doesn’t help that the former owner of Segway, Jimi Heselden, died in a Segway accident. Here’s a non-graphic picture of that.

Here’s a bonus picture of a war criminal falling off a Segway.

You have failed everyone, in every capacity. Here’s a mug.

If you haven’t already seen this bear with unexpectedly long legs, and the customer pictures of what it actually looks like, check it out.

Before you buy this set of pencils for $15, you might consider this three-pack of pencils for $2.75 that say “It’s Mother-Fucking Pencil Time” on each one.

The best thing about What Do You Meme is how clearly it shows that capitalizing on “memes,” as they exist in culture, are like capturing a fart in a jar. By the time you can close the lid, it’s gone. No matter how fast you grab stolen pictures and bits of writing from your computer, anything you commit to cardstock will necessarily be dated, a reminder of years past rather than a celebration of contemporary culture. The seal and his neck fat, the baby clenching his fist, the fffffffuuuu guy, all long gone.

Then again, maybe that face when you find out girls poop.

It’s still an octothorpe, and it’s also a hashtag. This is how language works, unfortunately, t-shirt.

It’s a sharp symbol in musical notation, mug, and also an octothorpe, and also a hashtag.

You know where I’m going with this by now. Prescriptivism (the insistence that language is static, and changes to it are necessarily incorrect) is a way of expressing that you’d prefer the world to use the English you grew up with, when televisions were squares with rounded, heavy screens, and our telephones were connected to the wall, and cars burned lead. Our complex descriptors inevitably slide towards expressing a binary of good and bad, and the only way to combat this is to keep language evolving.

Put another way, “<<<<< not mood.”