The Worst Things For Sale

The charm of Beer Pong, if you believe it has any to begin with, comes from its low cost, flexible rules, and need for no supplies beyond the beer and cups you’re already drinking plus a ping-pong ball. Pingbot, a motorized remote-control whatever that does whatever, adds $34.99 to this process and requires batteries. Its true value lies in revealing the gall of manufacturers to steal the joy of our simplest, stupidest games, replacing it with plastic battery-operated garbage.

Feel like replacing part of your daily family social life with a gadget? Well, Did You Feed The Dog has you covered. Even if you don’t have a set schedule for feeding your dog, or a single member of the family assigned to the chore, or the ability to include feeding your companion in your daily routine of chores, there are probably easier ways to accomplish the task of feeding your dog. And if you can’t remember if you fed the dog, you probably won’t remember to Did You Feed The Dog your dog. But, whatever. Grease the wheels of capitalism, baby. Tape a metal sign to your house and keep the economy strong.

This LED light fits inside the neck of a bottle, and could be used with most wine or liquor bottles. The question of why you’d want a Southern Comfort lamp, on the other hand, has not been answered.

It’s not that setting up a flaming pile of skulls in your yard wouldn’t be the most bad-assed thing to ever happen to your yard. It’s just that they’re sold individually, so if you want the full “pile of skulls” effect, it’ll run you several hundred dollars. (The manufacturer recommends you use nine to fifteen skulls.)

Your dog will eat Puppy Cake’s just-add-water Dog Cheesecake. He’ll also eat any food ever made, and grass from the yard, and poop from the yard. So if you spend your afternon whipping him up a Red Velvet Puppy Cake, and he eats it, it’s not because he’s been craving the taste of red food coloring. It’s because he knows anything you set on the floor is his, and you just set an entire weird little cake down there.

This piece of plastic is meant to be worn on the thumb, where, if you hold a book a specific way, it will push the book open. It probably works, if you read a book in that specific way. Nonetheless, there is an artisinally-handmade version for three times the price, or, if you want to go all the way, a cantilevered floor stand for holding your book for thirty-seven times the price.

The NoPhone is a phone-shaped piece of plastic “for people who use their phone too much.” It’s the perfect example of getting people coming and going. You sell them the phone, then when they use the phone, you sell them the NoPhone. At no point does the absence of commerce enter the picture. Just like The Gift Of Nothing, the idea of not buying something has been monetized, and it heats the earth and uses plastic the same as its “something” counterparts.