The Worst Things For Sale

Wha-BAM! SLAM THAT SHIT! W me, motherfuckers! I got warts so much I got a damn wart button!

Are you unable to handle asparagus without a specialized container to do it for you? Then you’ll need the Prepara Pod, a standing plastic container to suspended-animate your asparagus or herbs inside your fridge. The nut of the ad copy is “Now that’s better than a damp cloth!”, which is true for a lot of products, but also reveals its unnecesary expense and use of nonrenewable materials.

The Pope Toaster is exactly what you’d imagine it to be. It burns a blurry picture of Pope Francis into your bread. The rosary is not included.

Smile Maker is a plastic appliance you wedge into your mouth, supposedly to train yourself to smile. Here’s what it looks like when it’s in your mouth.

This “smart ring” uses NFC to communicate with your phone. Unfortunately, this guy who reviewed it accidentally broke his ring (because it’s made of ceramic, not metal) and was then unable to unlock his phone.

Sure, it just looks mall-level doofy in this pic. But check out the manufacturer’s gallery of dudes in dangerous situations using this chain to stop a knife attack, or… squat dangerously… or… change gears while driving.

No, it’s not an accessory to beat your meat, or whip your chicken. That’s why it’s got those spikes on the bottom, to keep you from sitting on it. It’s like the spikes they put on signs to keep pigeons off, or the spikes they put in entryways to keep homeless people from sleeping there.