The Worst Things For Sale

This vibrating nose-clip is supposed to change the shape of your nose. The only review, from two years ago, is exactly what you’d expect.

Don’t let this boring photo fool you: the manufacturer has composited a pic of a child standing in the driver’s seat of a car, arcing his urine into this bag from afar. I didn’t include it here because I thought you should have the choice of whether or not you wanted to see it.

See also: frog urinal, frog car urinal.

The NoPhone is a phone-shaped piece of plastic “for people who use their phone too much.” It’s the perfect example of getting people coming and going. You sell them the phone, then when they use the phone, you sell them the NoPhone. At no point does the absence of commerce enter the picture. Just like The Gift Of Nothing, the idea of not buying something has been monetized, and it heats the earth and uses plastic the same as its “something” counterparts.

We’re reaching the bottom of the barrel if we have to go back to Bootleg Bart Simpson to find something to combine with fidget spinners.

Alliteration aside, it’s actually fine to use a push pin to tack a piece of paper to a bulletin board inside your home. Any treasured memory you have on paper also exists digitally, if you care about it enough to put it up in your house. And if it’s a flyer, or a school lunch menu, or a business card, it’s not a treasured memory.

But, as the “Amount Raised On Kickstarter” shows, the manufacturers have apparently made their case that Pon is a necessity. Congrats to them for conning over three thousand people out of an insane amount of Kickstart money.

This is not how dogs work.

If you’re wondering what lies in the middle of the Venn Diagram of little girls and rap slang, the answer is Unicorn Dab.

Here’s another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another. They’re not just on different styles or colors of shirts – they’re all drawn differently, which makes this all even more mysterious.