The Worst Things For Sale

Keep a few ounces of liquor in the least-convenient and uncomfortable place possible: attached to the front of your belt. Then again, if you’re an iPhone Holster Guy, aka “Dad Batman,” maybe it’ll match your look.

Tender Wings Of Desire is a KFC-themed romance starring Colonel Sanders himself. You can hit the “Look Inside” to read a sample, though I can’t imagine why you would want to.

The perfect game for the goober in your family who insists on still saying Drumpf, “Trumped Up Cards” is the Cards Against Humanity ripoff for people whose hobby is saying they hate Donald Trump. He’s the oldest and most-impaired president we’ve ever had, but for fuck’s sake, everyone hates him. Reducing the political discourse to “Kek” versus “Orange Cheeto” castrates our ability as a society to hold our leaders accountable. But, by all means, spend hours matching Bigly to The Wall or whatever the fuck.

Once you press the button on Annoying Teddy, it does not stop singing “Happy Birthday” on repeat, and has to be slapped or whipped against a wall to turn it off.

You might be out in your yard on a beautiful spring day, drinking some beer or soda, and think, “I wish my beer or soda could be sexier. I wish I could suck it out of a plastic boobie.” Wish no longer, my friend.

Do you love cephalopods AND America? You do? Well, it sounds like we may have just found… (slowly puts on foam hat) The Best Thing For Sale.

I’m a writer, and I gotta say I love this watch. Twelve-hour time just isn’t as useful as knowing it’s half-past z:n o’clock.