The Worst Things For Sale

This countertop device brags that it “eliminates waste” by charging you an insane amount to mix a pre-made packet of flavoring with liquor. If pouring a premade mixer and a shot of liquor into a cup is beyond your abilities, then this is not the solution.

If you absolutely must have a liquor-maker on your countertop, then at least this thing makes slushies.

Tweebot is a battery-powered device that lets you control your phone with your voice, which might be useful if the phone didn’t already do that itself. Unfortunately, per the customer reviews, it won’t stay connected to your phone, and generally doesn’t work. It’s also twice the price of the Amazon Echo Dot, which is basically the same product, and seems like an awkward way to accomplish anything online, but seems to work reliably.

Celebrate the headless women in your life with this shot glass set, which I’ve pixellated to meet the stringent no-glass-boob requirements of today’s workplace. (You can see the full-glass-nudity version on the manufacturer’s listing, if you must.) There’s also a huge version of this that holds fifty ounces, if you’re a guy who insists on drinking all of your drinks out of a titty-and-butt.

For the price of just a few months’ worth of health insurance, you can own this enormous malachite pyramid. (Check out the picture of a lady holding it, for size.) It may not do anything, but, as the manufacturer explains, “Please do not expect something that looks like it was made in a factory.” Yeah! Fuck the factory pyramids!

If you need something less pointy to heal, you should go with this 46-pound crystal ball, described as a “high altitude orb gem” that contains “green phantoms.”

Even if the print or bolting a carabiner to a metal mug made sense, the lone, sad review said that the ink ran off when she washed it the first time.      

PureLyft is an “energy stir stick” that dissolves in a glass of water to release caffeine, sweetener, and flavoring. Most of the reviews note that it tastes terrible, which is an accomplishment, because companies have been mixing water, flavorings, and caffeine together for decades. Unsurprisingly, it’s “frequently bought with” the caffeine-vape I wrote about earlier this month.

Feed your coins into the face of this bank, and it stares at you as its face churns, eating your coins.