The Worst Things For Sale

Solving a problem the world does not have, the Chork combines a pair of chopsticks with a fork.

What kind of monster puts tomatoes on top of cheese pizza?! If you must have a pizza bed, you should at least go for a pepperoni pizza bed, because that’s a real food people eat. (Or the “Pizza Adult Beanbag Chair,” shaped like a slice of pan pizza, if you’re old enough to be an adult, but still young enough to be able to get out of a beanbag chair without help.)

These innocuous-looking wireless headphones are now the subject of a class-action suit for violating laws regarding privacy. A customer discovered that the headphones were sending data about his listening habits to third-party companies.

And, less safe-for-work, a similar class-action suit is being brought against the makers of this app-controlled vibrator, for sending data about its customers’ sex practices back to the company.

Your programmable thermostat knows when you’re not home, your Bluetooth deadbolt knows when you come and go, your networked light-bulbs know when you’re awake and what rooms you spend time in, and all three of those brag that they can be used directly with Amazon Alexa, the open microphone that listens to everything that happens in your house.

Finally, the Amazon Show has a camera that streams video of your bedroom. Thankfully, nothing ever happens in your bedroom that you’d want to keep other people from seeing.

The premise for this album is that cats listen to music, which they don’t. Customer reviews are mixed, but those who gave it five stars say their cats responded to it by going to sleep, which is something cats do for at least twelve hours a day regardless of what you’ve got on the stereo.

There are other albums meant for cats to listen to (those are two separate, different albums.) And there are also albums for dogs, who also do not listen to music. The only way a dog’s listening to anything is if it’s a one-hour recording of dogs barking.

Admit it. You thought of the name first, and then you made the toilet paper.

The original idea behind Tikker was that you calculate how long you’re going to live, punch it in, and then watch the grains of sand slip through the hourglass of your life. That’s dark enough that I’d give it a pass, but according to its terrible customer reviews, it’s poorly made, hard to program, and considers a month to be exactly thirty days, rendering it useless for its pivot application of giving a countdown to an event or due-date of a project.

For some reason, this picture of a lady wearing a leather beer holster is a less convincing use case than this ultra-dad also shown on the manufacturer’s listing. The holster just looks like it belongs there. What does he have on the other side? A flashlight? A phone? A handgun? In the world of ultra-dads, it could be anything.