The Worst Things For Sale

I released a new song called “Gimme The Stimmy.” Download it on Amazon or Bandcamp (or listen to it for free on bandcamp, I don’t care.)

The June Intelligent Oven is a countertop oven about the size of a small microwave that you control with your phone. (Here’s a picture of the app, along with a few other pics.) It lets you watch live video of your food cooking, which traditionally was only available by looking through the front of your oven, which is supposedly inconvenient.

The main use-case seems to be steak, which is something you could accomplish on a stovetop burner, grill, normal oven, bath of water, or literally anything that gets hot. You can even cook a steak by wrapping it in foil and leaving it on the engine block of your car while you drive, as this book of car-engine recipes points out. But your car, which you already own, won’t make them an absurd amount of money when you buy it.

As you’ve no doubt noticed, young adults have increasingly been describing a functional, independent existence as “adulting.” This pack of stickers includes an assortment of routine tasks (you can see them all here, on the listing) and should give you the feeling the Dutch describe as plaatsvervangende schaamte, which literally means “place-exchanging shame”, or shame you feel on behalf of someone who should feel ashamed, but doesn’t.

(The German language has a similar word, fremdschämen, which makes it even more strange that English, the home language of “adulting”, doesn’t.)

The Relaxation Computer System, a collection of medical-hoax technology that comes with its own laptop, includes pre-installed software to make suggestions on pseudo-scientific treatments to perform on yourself. A quick flip through the manufacturer’s photo gallery shows that one of the suggested treatments is to eat mayonnaise.

It costs about what you’d expect.

I’m a frog. Please pee in my mouth.

Sure, it looks bad ass, but about 10 seconds on, and you’ll find out that the entire inside of it fogs up with your breath, because your breath comes out of your mouth and nose inside of the sunglass / face shield / mask.

Star Wars kitchen merchandise is always a stretch. I’ve written about the Star Wars waffle maker that makes a pancake instead of a waffle, and the Star Wars toaster that leaves most of the bread untoasted but for a small, scorched Star Wars logo in the middle of each slice. But the Star Wars Immersion Blender takes it even further, and is simply a regular immersion blender with a red dingle instead of a silver one. If they didn’t show you pictures of Darth Vader swishing it around, you wouldn’t know it from an identical-but-cheaper 300-watt immersion blender.