The Worst Things For Sale

GambleBox is a pocket-sized safe you use to “lock your winnings away” instead of gambling them away before you leave the casino. To use it, you’d have to convert your chips or tickets to cash before cramming them in this tiny metal box (you can see it full of money here.) And you’d actually have to win money at your game of choice before you start losing it, in order to have anything to stuff into the GambleBox.

But the main issue is the fact that GambleBox identifies a problem (compulsive gambling) and enables it rather than provides a solution. It’s frequently-bought-with this book about how to use strategies to play slot machines, which are required by law to yield completely random results, and “$LOT$ CONQUEST,” which would be a great rap name, but is sadly just another book with an imaginary system purporting to teach you how to beat a random-number generator.

If you’re in the market for teeth (and who isn’t?) then I present to you Dr. Bailey’s Secure Instant Smile, Imako Cosmetic Upper Teeth, and the buy-one, get-one Perfect Smile Veneers.

Or, if you’re on a budget, how about a tooth-shaped container of plastic teeth?

Hi, gloves!

How are you doing?

Great! Me too. It’s– What the hell are you doing?

No! Don’t!!!

Noooo!!!

No, you don’t need therapy because you’re a dog. And your other shirt is better, anyway.

The GoPet is a ludicrously expensive exercise-wheel for toy dogs.

There’s a huge and more expensive one for large dogs, too, but as one customer said, “They lied when they said all dogs love it.”

It’s no Marie Catoinette, but you can’t beat the price on this dog wig.

There are an uncountable number of dog wigs available online – start here and click around for five minutes if you want to see how deep the rabbit hole goes.

If you mean that coming up with a cutesy word for responsibilities is bullshit, then, yes, I agree with you, coffee mug. Of course, it doesn’t mean this. It means that responsibilities are bullshit, and rolling around in your own filth playing video games as an adult is bae and swag. Yassss filth.