The Worst Things For Sale

There are 46,000 calories in this 26-pound gummy python, but, as the manufacturer notes, it’s gluten-free.

Licki is a cat brush you hold with your mouth, to simulate licking your cat with an enormous, spiked tongue. There’s a video of a guy using it on his cat in the listing if you’re not sure how this works, or you want to experience the horror by seeing it for yourself.

You will, of course, also need this for the mounds of cat hair you collect.

I can’t think of any downside to turning basic maintenance of your own body into a phone-led gaming experience. It’s probably fine for toddlers to grow up with no concept of delayed gratification, and the idea that any non-gaming scenario can and should be turned into one.

Then again, their parents probably own this bluetooth toothbrush for adults, and feed the data into Toothr, the app that lets you share brush data with Briends (brushing friends.)

The Matter And Form 3D Scanner is a great idea. You throw a small object into it, and it’ll turn scan it into a 3D file that you can edit on your computer, and then print with a 3D printer. Except that it doesn’t work, rendering dark areas as holes, and shiny or transparent areas as scrambled garbage. The customer reviews include a guy who covered his scanned objects in flour to get them to scan correctly, and someone noting that the scanner scans the scanner itself, adding the rotating platform to your 3D file as part of the model.

I don’t know what you would do with a real human finger. If you need human bones, you might as well go for an entire left arm and left leg. The same sellers offer a real human skull (like, from an actual dead person) but even though it comes with its own carrying case, I’m not sure it’s worth the dough, unless you’ve got something very specific in mind.

Private Gym is an absurdly expensive DVD/app that comes with a little dongle to clip onto yourself while you’re watching the videos. Like every other penis product in the universe, it claims your penis will work better, and your partner will love you more. And while it’s true that strengthening your pelvic-floor muscles can have health benefits, there are instructions online on how to do the exercises yourself, for free. You don’t need a chip-clip and a DVD.

Imprisoning me. All that I see. Absolute horror.