The Worst Things For Sale

“Never move your hand from the keyboard again!” brags the manufacturer of this $575.00 half-keyboard. Unless having Y, U, I, O, P, H, J, K, L, N, M, and punctuation keys is slowing down your work, it might not be much of a productivity-booster. And the Tab, Backspace, Escape and Delete functions are assigned to the same key, which must be amazingly convenient.

Click thru to the big picture if you want to revel in the full glory of this keyboard.

Suggesting that you use the handle “Rollin’ Chaplain”, “Deek”, or “Colorado Tune Heister” (?!), this book from 1976 is definitely not worth its insane price tag, but apparently played a big part in the lone reviewer’s life.

Surprisingly, not only can you still buy CB radios, but they’re way cheaper than you’d think. The time might be ripe for the humble CB radio to make its return, if only so we can yell at each other through the electromagnetic spectrum instead of online.

If you need to smuggle alcohol somewhere, the best way to do it is in your stomach. And if you need a place to hide and drink the alcohol to get it in there, well, that’s why they invented bushes.

But if that doesn’t do it for you, put 25 ounces of wine into The Wine Rack, a bra with a plastic hose that lets you suck the wine back out of the hose. I’m not sure how that’s more covert than drinking it out of a glass. And you also have to consider that adults drink wine whenever there are more than 3 of them in a room, as a defense mechanism. It’s not something people do in secret.

If your only problem with The Wine Rack is “I’d love to sip hot swill out of a plastic hose, but I don’t wear a bra and 25 ounces isn’t enough!” then the BeerBelly, an eighty-ounce prosthetic gut that hangs off your existing gut, may be the product for you.

You’re a terrible toilet.

You copied that other toilet.

I didn’t say shit to you, third toilet!

This device, just like the edge of a pan, or a countertop, is an egg cracker. You whack the egg onto it and the shell of the egg cracks. There’s also the EZ Cracker, BW Egg Cracker, and the Clever Cracker, if you’re curious about this microcosm of eggs that can’t be cracked. Humans have been cracking and eating eggs since the discovery of chickens, but in the world of 2016, we’ve got to have something do it for us.

Take a close look at that picture up there, by the way. The little grey thing in the middle is a RAZOR BLADE. If you need a special stand and a razor blade to crack an egg, you’re not buying eggs. Those are rocks.

Why do customers hate this set of desks and chairs so very much? According to the reviews, it’s because dozens of them bought the set thinking that it was a full-sized set of desk and chairs, instead of a three-inch-high set of scale furniture meant to be used with toys, which the listing clearly states more than once.

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Thank you. Happy new year.