The Worst Things For Sale

Get the jump on buying presents for your friends or relatives who still think 22-year-old news events are timely and funny with this mug’s “joke” based on the 1994 car chase of OJ Simpson prior to his well-publicized arrest and trial.

While you’re buying, why not grab a confederate flag that says “Clinton-Gore 1992″?

The salad days of 200x-era new year glasses are over. Now we suffer with monstrosities like 20201 (above), and global plague (no link.)

Most dog owners know that dogs will eat anything, including an array of non-food household goods, and other animals’ poop. For those who own a dog and yet know nothing of the dog’s taste, there is Bowser Beer, a bizarrely expensive six-pack of bottles of mostly beef broth.

And for those who haven’t figured out that human-oriented peanut butter is a dog’s favorite food, there is Dogsbutter, a special peanut butter made for dogs which is more expensive and, I’m guessing (because I’m not going to buy it and taste it) probably worse than the regular king.

Thankfully, one reviewer of the dog beer notes, “I tried to give this to 3 different dogs and none of them would eat it… and one of them eats concrete.”

White Castle, best known for its small, unappetizing burgers, has made a scented candle to allow you to have the odor of White Castle’s onion-tinged grease and sadness permeating your own home. Customers who leave bad reviews generally complain that it smells better than White Castle and is therefore not authentic.

I don’t want to spoil the surprise. I’ll just tell you that there are twelve pounds of it. (Warning: it’s pretty gross, so I pixellated the picture in case you’re easily sicked out.)

Intended for consumption, this huge tarantula has been boiled and dehydrated, ensuring all of its little prickly hairs will torture your throat on the way down, should you dare to eat it.  Most cultures who eat large insects fry them, since they’re more or less inedible unless you burn off and soften most of the disagreeable parts with hot oil.

Then again, it’s from the maker of “Moth Poop Tea”, which is exactly what it sounds like, so maybe the intent is more to dare people to eat intentionally-bad foods rather than broaden their palate to prepare for a climate-changed Earth where we’ll have to eat bugs for protein.

Meant to be kept with you at all times (if you’re a terrible asshole,) Offensive Business Cards is a twenty-dollar box of a hundred business cards bearing passive-aggressive insults about someone else’s body odor, their tattoos, their intelligence, and a few other subjects. It’s a great gift for the person who’s always mad about everything everyone else does, and is foul enough to feel the need to carry pre-printed cards to externalize it.

If your passive-aggression is limited to parking, though, you might want to go for the “You Parked Like An Idiot” business card set.

Or, if you have health insurance, therapy.